By Eric Immerman
Special to Page 2
When NFL marketing personnel gather during training camp to plan for the upcoming season, one of their most important tasks is to come up with a catchy team slogan that excites the fans, spurs ticket sales, and accurately represents the direction the team is heading.
As luck would have it, Page 2 was leaked the official 2003 marketing slogans for all 32 NFL teams.
Arizona Cardinals: "At Least It Will Be A Dry 3-13."
Atlanta Falcons: "Helping Displaced Northerners Avoid Truck-Related Sports Since 1966."
Baltimore Ravens: "Are You Ready For Some Futbol-Like Scores?"
Carolina Panthers: "Zero To 60 Points In 12 Games Flat!"
Chicago Bears: "Keep Telling Yourself Last Season Was Just A Fluke -- Just Like You Told Yourself You'd Travel For A Year And Then Go To College."
Cincinnati Bengals: "Only 367,200 Minutes 'Till We Make Our Selection."
Cleveland Browns: "You Don't Live In Cincinnati, You Live In Cleveland ... So Let The Potentially Crippling Projectile Objects Fly!"
Dallas Cowboys: "As Seen Last Year On The Popular HBO Series, Oz."
Denver Broncos: "Hey Look, We've Got Plummer's Butt."
Detroit Lions: "New Coach. New Beginnings. New Horizons Of Unfulfillment And Dissatisfaction."
Houston Texans: "We Still Have That New Carr Smell."
Indianapolis Colts: "Remember: You Can't Spell Indianapolis Without 'No D.'"
Jacksonville Jaguars: "A Refreshing Break From Watching The Underarm Wattles Of Elderly Floridians Flail About As They Wave Their Bingo Cards."
Kansas City Chiefs: "Come See A Priest Run Wild -- Without All The Catholic Guilt."
Miami Dolphins: "Seau! Seau! Seau! No, Seriously, 'Say Ow,' Because Our Inflated Ticket Prices Are Painful."
Minnesota Vikings: "Proud Home Of Several Defensive Players Good Enough To Play On Saturdays."
New England Patriots: "75 Rushing Yards Allowed The First Minute, 25 Rushing Yards Allowed Each Additional Minute."
New Orleans Saints: "Tired Of Watching Beautiful Coeds Take It All Off On Bourbon Street? Well, Check Out The Superdome's 'Shirtless Breasty Men Gone Wide,' Featuring Uninhibited, Bosomy Males With Perilously High Caloric Intake Baring It All!"
New York Giants: "Snap. Tackle. Flop!"
New York Jets: "What Happens In The Meadowlands, Stays In The Meadowlands ... Um, Right Up Until Dan Snyder's Helicopter Picks It Up And Transports It Back To Redskins Park."
Philadelphia Eagles: "Kids Under 12 Arraigned Free!"
Pittsburgh Steelers: "Ask Us About Our New Kordelless Service: Guaranteed To Result In Better Reception."
San Diego Chargers: "This Year's Theme Is Marty-Gras...And Our Defense Is Giving Up Big Pass Plays For Lent."
San Francisco 49ers: "Straight Guys (In Glorified Capri Pants) For The Queer Eye."
St. Louis Rams: "We Added Jason Sehorn To Spruce Up Our Defense-Which Is Kind Of Like Adding A Rear Spoiler To Spruce Up Your Geo."
Seattle Seahawks: "We're Okeafor Now, Thanks."
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: "Jon Gruden's Ego, Official Site of Super Bowl XXXVIII."
Tennessee Titans: "The Best Thing To Happen To Tennessee Since Arrested Development."
Washington Redskins: "J-E-T-S--Jets, Jets, Jets!"
Eric Immerman is a contributing comedy writer to ESPN The Magazine and "The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn." His material also has been featured on Laugh.com. He can be reached at email@example.com