Age just a number for Demi, Ashton
By Eric Neel
Page 2 columnist

Demi + Ashton. Jackie Templeton loves Michael Kelso. The queen of Hailey, Idaho, and the fresh prince of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Ashton Kutcher, Seann William Scott
Just wait until Ashton, left, tells "Stifler" that he's hanging out with America's sexiest mom.
You've heard the buzz. You've seen the long-range paparazzi shots. And if you're listening to Dr. Ruth, you've already been "imagining how these two look in bed."

But only at Page 2 -- where we know how to mic a room like Gene Hackman in "The Conversation," and how to cook up a quote like Jayson Blair in The Times -- do you get the how-deep-is-your-love lowdown on the sweet nothings flowing between America's hottest new couple.

Here's the way we heard it Sunday night:

Ashton: Hey, D, all the stuff in the papers, all the stuff about me being just a publicity stunt for your comeback ...

Demi: Ignore it, sweetie.

Ashton: There's nothing to it ...

Demi: Of course not. You're much more than a publicity stunt designed to generate buzz in anticipation of my triumphant return to the big screen June 27, in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle," honey.

Ashton: (laughs) That's what I thought ...

Demi: You're also a very big, very pointed thorn in Bruce's side ...

Cameron Diaz, Demi Moore
Did Demi mention that her new movie comes out June 27?
Ashton: Thank you very much

Demi: A sparkling conversationalist ...

Ashton: Go on. I'm picking up what you're putting down ...

Demi: Easy on the eyes ...

Ashton: Sing it, sister ...

Demi: And a dynamo in the sack ...

Ashton: Sweet of you to say ...

Demi: Now, the fact that you bring all that to the table and my being with you has everyone in the lower 48 states all a-twitter, just days before my long-awaited return to the big screen June 27, in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" -- that's just gravy, darlin'.

Ashton: Gravy. I'm good with that.

Demi: You're good with anything, sugar.

Ashton: You're such a naughty girl. I like that.

Demi: I love it when you call me "girl."

Ashton: What do you want to do tonight, girl? You want to go out?

Demi: Nah, let's stay in.

Ashton: You're not embarrassed to be seen with me, are you?

"Madonna, eat your heart out."
Demi: No, angel, I'm proud. Hell, I'd like to run you up a pole and parade you around like a victory flag, while Madonna and the other 40-something dames shrivel up and die with envy.

Ashton: Keep talking -- you're kind of turning me on.

Demi: Relax, grasshopper. Plenty of time for that. I was thinking for starters we'd just curl up here on the couch and watch the Nets and Spurs.

Ashton: You rock. You have never been more attractive to me than you are right this minute. Here in the glow of the Philips plasma big screen, with the deep, dulcet tones of Bill Walton floating through the air -- you are a goddess. Never have you looked as irresistible as you do now -- not in "Striptease," not as Lt. Cmdr. JoAnne Galloway, not on the cover of Vanity Fair, not ever.

Demi: You are so easy.

Ashton: You are so hot.

Demi: Call for pizza.

Ashton: All right, but this time can I feed it to you?

Demi: This is insane.

Ashton: Come on, D. Age is just a number. So you're a little older than I am, so what? You know we belong together.

Demi: The number is 15, doll-face, which isn't so little, but I'm not talking about us, I'm talking about the game.

Ashton: Right on. Free Kevin Willis, that's what I say. Show me some Steve Kerr. I likes me an older, experienced player, a little veteran leadership, you know what I'm saying?

Brittany Murphy, Ashton Kutcher
Of course, Ashton still thinks about Brittany Murphy. Heck, they just broke up last month.
Demi: I do, and flattery will get you everywhere, buttercup, but seriously, what's with Nets offense? Kidd ought to be driving and dishing, creating gaps, making guys come to him. They're not going to respect him from outside the arc, and this team will never score enough points running set-plays in the halfcourt. Kidd's got to bring the ball into traffic, find the soft spots, and then dump it off. He ought to be watching tape of Walt Frazier, Tiny Archibald, Magic. They knew how it was done.

Ashton: Dang, D, you're old-school. And you know a lot more about hoops than Brittany did.

Demi: Thanks, loverboy. And you have a lot more hair than Bruce did.

Ashton: And just think, some people are saying this'll never last ...

Demi: Crazy, ain't it?

Ashton: Tell me some more stuff from the old days.

Demi: Shh. I'm watching the game.

Ashton: It doesn't have to be about Tiny and Magic, it could be about other stuff ... what exactly is St. Elmo's fire, for example? I mean the actual fire ...

Demi: Dude, where's your car?

Ashton: Zing. Fight in the old girl yet. I like that.

Demi: Call me "old girl" again and sleep on the couch ... at your place. And tell me, what don't you like?

Ashton: 33-30 at halftime -- that I don't like.

Demi: Agreed. What else?

Ashton: Looking at Bruce sitting next to Joumana courtside -- not too keen on that.

Demi: Forget about it.

Demi Moore
"Did I mention that women hit their sexual peak much later in life?"
Ashton: The way Redford looks at you across the pool table in "Indecent Proposal" -- I could definitely do without that, too. He's just a creepy, leather-skinned lizard, and I can't stand the way he leers at you. Makes me want to run his sorry bag of bones through the thresher.

Demi: That's sweet. I love when your Iowa comes shining through.

Ashton: Our liberties we prize, our rights we will maintain, and our leather-skinned lizard actors we will grind to a pulp -- that's the state motto. So is it true you were born in Roswell?

Demi: Uh-huh. Is it true you were once named winner of the "Fresh Faces of Iowa" contest? What's the competition like on a thing like that, by the way?

Ashton: Yeah. Stiffer than you think: lots of clean-cut, cheery 4H-ers and such. So, Roswell, eh? So are you some kind of alien, or what?

Demi: Where do you think I got this body?

Ashton: I figured the workouts for "G.I. Jane."

Demi: That's right, so don't make me hurt you, sweetheart.

Ashton: Don't go breaking my heart.

Demi: I couldn't if I tried.

Ashton: Honey, if I get restless.

Demi: Baby, you're not that kind.

Ashton: So, this would be a bad time for me to tell you you've been Punk'd on this whole romance with the young TV hardbody bit, and everything's on tape?

Demi: Not at all. Are you rolling now? 'Cause I've got this movie coming out, June 27 -- it's called "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle," and I play a character named Madison Lee, a bad-ass wayward Angel come back to wreak havoc on Charlie's new girls.

Ashton: You're so good. So smooth. You're like Duncan doing head-fakes and shoulder shimmies. You dance. You score. I want you so bad.

Demi: I know you do, sweetness. That's what I like about you. That and the way you look in jeans.

Bruce Willis
"Yes, Bruce, that's right. The kid's only 25."
Ashton: You watching this? Your boys are down six with less than a minute to go.

Demi: It's a long series.

Ashton: Spurs in six.

Demi: Nets in seven.

Ashton: Do you ever still think about Emilio?

Demi: About as often as you think about your third grade teacher. You ever think about Brittany?

Ashton: Come on, D, it was just a few months ago ... what kind of heartless bum would I be ...

Demi: My kind of heartless bum. No, really, I understand. You were young, you thought you loved her.

Ashton: Right. I was young. So when do I get to meet the kids?

Demi: Soon. They're going to love you -- you're, like, one of them.

Ashton: I'm ignoring that.

Demi: That's funny, that's what they do to me all the time.

Ashton: I'm ignoring that, too.

Demi: They're really going to love you.

Ashton: I'm looking forward to it.

Demi: Have you heard of Kabbalah, Ash?

Ashton: Remember that one time, in "Ghost," D, when you knew Patrick Swayze was there even though you couldn't see him and you were crying? Remember that? That was awesome.

Demi: It's an ancient form of Jewish philosophy.

Ashton: Remember that one time, in "About Last Night," when you were brushing your teeth wearing that long white T-shirt? Remember that? That was awesome.

Demi: It's a mystical tradition, an attention to the inner dimension of reality ...

Ashton: Remember that one time, in "The Butcher's Wife" ...

Demi and Ashton: OK, stop it -- you're scaring me a little.

Demi: It's weird ...

Ashton: I'm kind of afraid of you ...

Demi: And sometimes I can ...

Ashton: Barely understand you ...

Demi: And yet ...

Ashton: Still, you're looking ...

Demi: Mighty good ...

Ashton: To me ...

Demi: Right now.

Ashton and Demi: And just think, some folks are saying this'll never last.

Eric Neel is a regular columnist for Page 2.



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