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Have you heard the one about ... From the Page 2 mailbag | ||||
| It's rivalry week for many college football teams. That means the future leaders and brightest minds of this country are putting their heads together to try to come up with the most clever insults for their hated opponent. Page 2 asked its readers to share the best joke about their rival school, and you filled our mailbag with more than 750 responses. Here's a sampling of some of the funniest jokes (and if we rip on your school here, remember it's all in good fun):Why are maggots and Alabama fans so alike? Because both of them can live off a dead "Bear" for 20 years. Frank Kennewick, Wash. Q. What does Auburn stand for? A. Alabama Usually Beats Us Red Necks. Larry Terrell Birmingham, Ala. Why do they call it Penn State? Because "State Penn" was already taken. Ben Sesser Montclair, N.J. Hey, FSU, nice painting on your field celebeating the 150 years of your school. Too bad that FSU has only been in existence for 43 years. Be very proud that the Florida College for Women has fielded a football team this year. Jack St. Petersburg, Fla. You can't spell "suck" without "KSU." John Prauner Lincoln, Neb. The Univeristy of Nebraska: Where the "N" represents a skool of greater Nowledge and futbal. Buff Dady Boulder, Colo. Duke University football practice was delayed for two hours yesterday in the midst of what was an anthrax scare. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Third-year Blue Devils head coach Carl Franks immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when FBI special agents decided that the Blue Devils, winless in their last 22 games, would not be likely to encounter the substance ever, ever again. Jason Morrow Arlington, Va. You know what IOWA stands for? Idiots Out Walking Around. Nathan Champaign, Ill. Q: How many Michigan State students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Who needs electric light when you can set your couch on fire? Blake C. Townsley Chicago Why do the Tennessee Vols wear orange? They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunt on Sunday and pick up trash on the side of the road the rest of the week. Kirk Baton Rouge, La. Three doctors were comparing their accomplishments. The first said he had a patient that lost both legs, and that he had sewed them back on, and the patient won the Boston Marathon. The second said he had a patient that lost both arms, and he sewed them back on. The patient went on to become a famous concert pianist. The third doctor said that they had nothing on him: "All I had was a rectum and a red sweater. I sewed them together and he became the head basketball coach at Indiana." Nate Rantoul, Ill. Back about 20 years ago, when electrocution was allowed here in Georgia, three men were scheduled for the chair on the same night. The first man, a Georgia graduate, sat down. When asked if he had any last words, he said, "HOW 'BOUT THEM DAWGS!" The switch was then thrown, but nothing happened. The Warden stated that he was now free to go, due to a law that prohibited cruel and unusual punishment. The second man, an Auburn graduate, sat down. When asked if he had any last words, he bellowed, "WAR DAMN EAGLE!". The switch was thrown, but nothing happened. He, too, was free to go. The third man, an engineering graduate of the Georgia Institute of Technology, sat down. When asked if he had any last words, he simply smiled and stated "Yes, if you will connect that blue wire and that yellow wire down there, and push on that capacitor, this chair will work just fine." Michael Collins Atlanta Have you heard about the new Mastercard commercial that's going to run at halftime of the Florida-FSU game featuring Peter Warrick? New pair of slacks ... $1.49. Pair of dress shoes ... $0.99. Designer suit ... $3.41. Being an FSU player and shopping at Dillard's ...priceless. Craig Warner Gainesville, Fla. Q: What Does Clemson's Donor club IPTAY really stand for? A: "It's Probation Time Again, Y'all" Marty Robinson Orlando, Fla. The only reason to go to Ohio State is to watch some schmuck dot an I. Get a real tradition. Scott Bloomfield, Mich. How many Dook football players does it take to change a lightbulb? Wait, Dook has a football team? MJ Washington D.C. Did you know George Bush sent Mississippi State's QB Wayne Madkin to Afganistan? Yeah, Bush figured, hell, he over throws everybody else, why not the Taliban? Jacob Jackson, Miss. Q: Why is Purdue's Mackey Arena such a great place to watch a basketball game? A: No NCAA title banners to block your view. Aaron Lynch Madison, Ind. We've all wondered how the school colors were chosen. Here's the scoop ... Some Illinois, Purdue, Michigan and Indiana fans decided that black-and-white school colors were a bit too dull. So they called upon God to give them colors that would truly represent them. First, the Illinois fans stepped before God and asked for their schools colors. God said "When I see Illinois, I see a burnt orange sunrise over a deep blue Lake Michigan. Nothing could be more beautiful. Your colors are orange and blue." Next, the Purdue fans stood before God and asked for their school colors. God said, "I see the future for Purdue: a golden path laid out upon a path as solid as black onyx. Walk steadily to your future. Your colors are old gold and black." The U of M fans were next. God said, "When I think of Michigan, I see a beautiful sky of blue over a field of corn. Your colors are maize and blue." God then turned to the Indiana fans and said, "Your colors are crimson and cream." Later, after the fans had left, St. Peter came to God and said, "Lord, as you handed out each fan's colors, you explained their origin -- all but the IU fans. I'm curious. Why crimson and cream? What do you see when you think of Indiana?" "I see the same thing as you see," God said, "White trash and rednecks." Travis Littleton, Colo. Two words: Ryan Leaf. Loren Cox Washington You can't spell "Bunch of overrated players on an overrated team who can't survive a game against Penn State in the NCAA tournament" without the letters UNC. Jon Peairs San Diego Attend Florida State University, where the greatest victory in school history is a tie. Chris Humpherys Orlando, Fla. One of my favorites was at the Pitt-WVU's Backyard Brawl (football) in the mid-'90s. The P.A. Announcer at Pitt Stadium announced there was a tractor in the parking lot with it's lights on, West Virigia license plate "E-I-E-I-O." We were rolling. They actually suspended the P.A. Announcer for offending the WVU fans that came to the game. Classic. Rosey Lehigh Valley, Pa. Women at VMI? What's next, men at UVA? Justin Ingram Blacksburg, Va. Q: What is the difference between Steve Spurrier and God? A: God don't think he's Steve Spurrier. Hal Moss Greensboro, N.C. Osama bin Laden is roaming through the desert and stumbles upon an oracle. The oracle will grant him one wish. He says, "Can you help me hide from the U.S.?" The oracle says, "Thats a tough one, why don't we try something else." Bin Laden says, "OK, can you make Florida State beat Florida this weekend?" The oracle then says, "You know, I do know of a good hiding spot ..." Andrew Pernick Tampa, Fla. |
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