Tossing Spears into sports classics
By Dan Shanoff
Page 2 columnist

Earlier this week, NASCAR announced a partnership with Britney Spears Productions to make a movie starring Britney herself as a race team owner's daughter who applies her experience in the family business to inspire an ex-driver to return to the track.

Both NASCAR and Team Britney insist she won't be cast as a racer herself (what, they didn't appreciate her star turn behind the wheel in "Crossroads"?), but Page 2 would like to offer the pop diva a glimpse into what it would be like if she took a starring role in some of the classic sports movies of all-time.

Oops, we did it again ...

"The Natural"
Made-For-Britney Plot Twist: Hottie with, um, mysterious physical gifts comes from nowhere to lead a lowly baseball team to glory

"Chariots of Fire"
Britney Twist: Three words: Slow. Motion. Running.

"Bull Durham"
Britney Twist: With Britney as Annie, the memorable Crash Davis monologue goes: "I believe in the soul ... the midriff of a woman's torso, the pelvic thrust, high-pitched screams from teenage girls, good Pepsi, that the songs of Justin Timberlake are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe that you should be onstage alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing any underwear other than thongs and the designated 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time.' I believe in the Mouseketeers, soft-core school-girl outfits, opening your new CD on the morning of its release rather than midnight, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet music videos that last three days."

Britney Twist: I mean, do we really need to list all the things that she's got going for herself (which is very, very nice)?

Britney Spears
Britney already has the metallic sweatsuit for her role in "Vision Quest."
"Vision Quest"
Britney Twist: Do you think a lot of people would pay to see Britney as a high-school wrestler? Yeah, we thought so.

Britney Twist: If Britney were Adrian, Rocky would have been so satisfied with his life that he never would have gotten in the ring with Appolo. At a minimum, let's replace James Brown with Britney in a "Rocky IV" singing cameo.

"White Men Can't Jump" (renamed "White Women Can't Jump")
Britney Twist: No, but some of them can dance. Britney brings peace to the volatile Venice Beach courts, choreographing all the players into one big dance number, highlighted by a Marques Johnson solo.

"Breaking Away"
Britney Twist: Britney and three friends hit the road. Think "Crossroads" on bikes. Forget that, just think about those bike shorts ...

"Brian's Song" (renamed "Britney's Song," naturally)
Britney Twist: The moving story of Gale Sayers and Britney, vying for the lead-singer role of a new Chicago indie band

Britney Spears
The bare midrift look would be perfect for the goalie in "Victory."
Britney Twist: Britney pops up in a Nazi prison camp for POWs, just in time to sub in as the scrappy goalie. Perfect for a World Cup release date, but we'd have to do something about the raggy, baggy prison-wear. (Can we get that in a low-cut, bare-belly look?)

"Slap Shot"
Britney Twist: If you can handle the blacking out of Britney's two front teeth (and we think you can), the pop sensation dons thick-framed glasses and replaces No. 18 Jeff Hanson, kicking some on-ice butt for the Charlestown Chiefs. Oh, then she gets jiggy with Paul Newman, causing a rift within the Hanson "Brotherhood."

"Bad News Bears"
Britney Twist: Swap Britney for Tatum O'Neal and you've got an "Amanda" character that men of all ages will root for. Look for the clever inside-joke, "Britney's Bail Bonds," on back of jerseys.

Kirsten Dunst
We'd never ask Britney to compete with Kirsten Dunst and Co. in "Bring It On."
"Bring It On"
Britney Twist: On second thought, Kirsten Dunst is just fine. (Yes, this was just another shameless vehicle to display a pic of Dunst.)

Britney Twist: Britney walks on to the Notre Dame football team, thus fulfilling lifelong dream ... of the other players. It's the USA Network-staple '80s classic "Where the Boys Are" for a Fighting Irish generation.

"Field of Dreams"
Britney Twist: "If you book her, they will come." An Iowa farmer's obsession with teen pop proves as more than a sick lark to his family and saves them from poverty after he signs the teen star to play his field.

Britney Spears
Spears could rev up for her NASCAR movie by driving a few laps in "Days of Thunder."
"Jerry Maguire"
Britney Twist: Do you think Cuba Gooding Jr. would have still won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar if he had shouted "Show Me The Honey!"? We'd like to think so.

Britney Twist: Coach Norman Dale takes his tiny high school to the state title when he's able to coax a buxom hottie to sit on the bench and draw the defense's attention away from his thin team of hicks.

"Days of Thunder"
Britney Twist: Forget Mello-Yello. Move over, Mark Martin. You would think Pepsi would be an appropriate car sponsor, but we see Britney's car as the ultimate product placement for Viagra. Oh, do we also get a plot to go with the scenes of Britney posing in a specially made racing suit? Unnecessary.

Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His "What's Hot, What's Not" trend-spotting list appears Thursdays. His fascination with Britney Spears is timeless.



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