A bad rap for Mornhinweg
By Dan "Shan-inem" Shanoff
Page 2 columnist

From a pop-culture standpoint, Detroit couldn't have more cachet than it does in the afterglow of the blockbuster flick, "8 Mile," starring rapper Eminem. Flip on your radio, and you can't help but nod your head to the wildly popular hip-hop anthem, "Lose Yourself," from the movie.

Marty Mornhinweg and Eminem
M&M and Eminem battle it out in Detroit.
But in terms of the NFL, the city is a laughingstock, thanks much in part to Detroit's other "M & M" -- Lions coach Marty Mornhinweg -- and his ill-fated decision-making in a 20-17 overtime loss to the Bears on Sunday.

Trying to take the best of the Motor City and make fun of its worst, Page 2 snuck into a Monday night rappers' "battle" in one of the city's empty warehouses and heard this:

'Lose YourGame'
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity ...
To win your fourth game of the year ...
One overtime ...
Would you capture it? Or just let it flip?

Marty eyes the field, thinks hard, knows the deal
Emp'ror's clothes will soon reveal: Detroit's schlemiel
He's lead-losing, but he chooses to spin the wheel
Of fortune, but he's about to have his sealed:
So it's on to O-T, the coin flips D-E-T
Pinky in the air -- he feels it's way too gusty
He DEFERS -- and thus incurs the first degree:
"It's sudden death! And you're scared 'cause it's windy?"

You're gonna lose your game in the heat of the battle
You're rattled, you're gonna let it go
Don't you know that when you give a team with mo'
An opportunity, then all the way they'll go.

Where should I get my "Marty -- Rest In Pieces" tattoo?
His team's freakin' out, finally draining his clout
Now you send your defense out?
They let the Bears back from 10, before regulation's end
Gonna make heroes out of Jim Miller and friends.
It only gets harder, against the wind they're on the spot
Bears are marching cooler than if they're on a sandlot
Coast to coast, Miller becomes a hot shot
Hits the other Marty, it's like a "Book"-release party
'Til we get to where Mornhinweg's plans go to pot:

On third-and-five from Detroit's 35, the Bears are caught
Holding, so Detroit declines, to put the Bears kicker on the spot.
52 yards, into the wind, to the field the Bears punter does trot.
Marty's strategy works - he's Johnny-on-the-spot.
But what's this? Marty has a second thought:
Accept the penalty to push them back
-- but give the Bears another shot?
Now we're all sure Marty's a crackpot
He's just finished digging his coaching cemetery plot

You're gonna lose your game in the heat of the battle
Just take the penalty and go
Do not give a hot team second-life to sco'
All it proves is that you're just a shmoe.

Marty Mornhinweg
"I think we should start next game with an onside kick."
On third-and-18, Miller hits Booker for 15
And here comes the nightmare Lions-lovers have seen:
On fourth-and-3, Miller finds Dez White in a seam
Five yards. First down! The Bears fans scream.
The Bears run three times for three yards -- set the scene:
A 40-yard try by Edinger, looking into the end-zone screen.
Coach Marty put all his stock into the W-I-N-D,
Now it'll crash around him like the N-Y-S-E.

The kick is up ... it's good! The fans cheer up the place.
Who couldn't guess that Marty's coin-flip call would blow up in his face?
The moral of the story: In sudden death, you take the ball first!
How does this rank among the year's bad coaching calls? Worst!
But then Marty kept up his decisions dumbfounding,
The bad news from his errors kept compounding.
Not declining on that fateful third-and-eight?
An inglorious finish for Coach Last-Name-Strange-Sounding.

You're gonna lose your game, now you're the league's main goat
Your career: Ending on such a sour note
You got not one -- but two! -- shots at deciding votes
Now your future is obvious: That's all she wrote.

Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2 and would likely not win any "battles" at the Shelter.



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