That Paris Hilton looked pretty clueless Tuesday night during the premiere of "The Simple Life," didn't she? Her first day on the Arkansas farm with buddy Nicole Richie went as awkwardly as Bill Callahan at a MENSA meeting.

The biggest standout factor? Paris' ignorance about many of the basic things those of us without millions of dollars already know -- like where the closest Wal-Mart is located (Paris hadn't even heard of Wal-Mart!). So of course Page 2 wants to help her out:

10 Things Paris Can Still Learn About The Simple Life

10. "What does 'generic' mean?" Think of it as: If Jennifer Love Hewitt was something you'd buy in a grocery store.

9. If you want the family to ease up, tell them you are chummy with Brian Urlacher.

8. It's CHICKEN. You EAT it.

7. "What's a 'soup kitchen?'" Put it this way: It's not the room in the mansion where they just make soup.

6. Louis Vitton is not French for Where's the airport red cap?

5. It's a water well, not a funky retro toilet.

4. "What is 'Wal-Mart?'" Think of it like an exclusive NYC nightclub with 75-year-old bouncers, selling toilet paper instead of Cristal.

3. Say no to crack: Higher-rise jeans might keep the network censors from having to insert computer graphics to cover your assets.

2. Psst: That Nicole seems kind of like dead weight.

1. "What's a 'threesome?'" Oh, wait. Nevermind. That was us.

Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2. His "Daily Quickie" commentary appears every weekday morning.