Almost simultaneously a few weeks back, two of Page 2's favorite columnists said "adieu" to bachelorhood and "I do" to their favorite women. Hunter S. Thompson and Anita, his blushing bride, trundled on down to the Pitkin County Courthouse in Colorado on a stormy Thursday morning and asked Sheriff Bob to perform the honors. At roughly the same time, Bill Simmons and the Sports Gal stole away from "Jimmy Kimmel Live" out in La-la Land just long enough to do the nuptials thing, too.
The Sports Guy honeymooned in Santa Barbara; the Good Doctor honeymooned in front of a television (Lakers-Timberwolves, first round).
For us back here at the Page 2 Nerve Center, the coincidences are just too eerie. We had to get to the bottom of these dueling unions. So here it is, the ultimate Page 2 wedding-reception throw-down. With a nod to Page 2's Nick Bakay, whose "Tale-of-the-Tape" formula we've borrowed here, let the marital matchup begin.
| The Sports Guy vs. Hunter S. Thompson |
| Category |
|
The Sports Guy |
|
Hunter S. Thompson |
|
Advantage |
| Ultimate wedding present: |
|
Doug Christie jersey |
|
A spacious Lear Jet |
|
Sports Guy. Jersey can be autographed |
| Hasn't been the same since: |
|
Groundball through Buckner's legs |
|
The Raiders left Oakland |
|
Hunter. That baseball ain't ever coming back to Billy B. |
| Sweet Jesus!: |
|
They've got a JCrew right next to a Banana Republic |
|
They opened a Spearmint Rhino in Downtown Disney! |
|
Push |
| One trip here might doom the marriage: |
|
Vegas, baby! |
|
Guam/Dallas/Korea |
|
There's a difference between Vegas and Guam? |
| Political statements: |
|
"Grand Theft Auto" in every classroom |
|
"No blood for oil" |
|
Sports Guy. Contributions to American educational system are priceless |
| Bare necessity: |
|
NBA League Pass |
|
Suite at the Chateau Marmont |
|
Push |
| Signs you've ticked him off: |
|
"I will now light myself on fire" |
|
Expleted-filled tirade on your FAX machine |
|
Hunter. He may not remember |
| Optimistic signoff: |
|
Good times. Good times. |
|
Mahalo |
|
Push |
| Ultimate expression of disdain: |
|
"I just threw up in my mouth!" |
|
"Swine" |
|
Sports Guy. Imagery is Everything. |
| Toast the happy couple with: |
|
Heineken |
|
Royal Salute |
|
Hunter. "Heineken? Screw that. Pabst Blue Ribbon!" |
| Guilty visual pleasure: |
|
"Adult" movies |
|
Watching four or more NFL games at once |
|
Push. There's always halftime. |
| Archenemy: |
|
Bill Laimbeer |
|
Richard Nixon |
|
Sports Guy. We still have Laimbeer to kick around. |
| Famous pal: |
|
Jimmy Kimmel |
|
Ed Bradley |
|
Hunter. Hey, it's prime-time exposure. |
| Calling card: |
|
The Sports Guy |
|
Fear & Loathing |
|
Hunter. National lexicon. |
| Gambling weakness: |
|
Casinos |
|
Pro football side bets |
|
Sports Guy. Casino drinks are cheaper. |
| Blind spot: |
|
Larry Bird |
|
"What's a deadline?" |
|
Sports Guy. At the risk of another expletive-filled FAX. |
| Over-under on offspring: |
|
1½ |
|
No line |
|
Push. We shudder ... |
| Guilty female pleasure: |
|
Shakira |
|
Princess Oman |
|
Push. |
| General attitude toward women: |
|
"Women ruin everything" |
|
Noblesse oblige |
|
Hunter. Hey, we have wives, too. |
| Public name for spouse: |
|
The Sports Gal |
|
The lovely Anita |
|
Push. Too close to call. |
So what have we settled? Absolutely nothing, apparently. Push wins. (What, you think we'd play favorites here?) But we salute the happy couples, anyway. Congratulations!
