I didn't take the ESPYs very seriously a year ago. To me, being added to the ESPY Academy and given voting privileges meant that I had an excuse to visit Los Angeles, party with Hollywood stars and dangle a walk down the Kodak Theater's red carpet in front of the starstruck eyes of some of Kansas City's most beautiful, undiscovered aspiring models.

	"I accept this lifetime achievement award on behalf of my date, who couldn't be here tonight. Feel better, Whit!"

You want to talk about a gold mine and something that made my social life easier. When I went to a nightclub in 2002, the ESPYs chopped at least 50 pounds off my physique, tacked on 200 grand to my annual income, helped me sound as smooth as Barry White and added two to three inches to my ... height.

"Hey, baby, you wanna go to the Oscars for sports?''

Things move so slowly in Kansas City that no one realized I stole that pickup line from Ralph Wiley.

It worked. By May, I had a dozen prime candidates to choose from. I settled on a young lady who told me during an intense interview process that she would do anything to go to Hollywood, meet Hugh Hefner and embark on a movie career.

She never made it to Los Angeles. After two days in Vegas -- a must stop on the way to L.A. -- I decided, despite her Playmate qualifications, some form of human communication was necessary. So while my lawyer's wife, radio show producer and yours truly woozily (and boozily) staggered off to the City of Angels, Hef's perfect ESPY date winged her way back to Kansas City.

That disaster should've been the only sign I needed that my ESPY priorities were all wrong. A non-drinker since my post-college days, I was determined that the ESPYs would be my excuse to party like it was 1989 and I was still the coolest bouncer at Papa Lou's Chug.

Three days of Vegas partying and two more in Los Angeles caught up with me on the night of the ESPYs. Moments after gliding down the red carpet in a full sweat, minutes after dapping up former Kansas Jayhawk Paul Pierce, I had to leave the Kodak Theatre and the ESPYs before the show officially began. I was too sick. I watched the ESPYs wrapped in a hotel bed comforter, shaking and sweating throughout the evening.

Samuel L. Jackson, the host of the 2002 ESPYs, and the gang partied without me.

	"You guys see a Titleist? It's the one that says bad mutha ..."

This year I'm going to do better. I'm going to have a more mature attitude about the event, which takes place on Wednesday night. Last year, it was all fun and games. I was admitted to the voting academy and didn't even mail my ballot back in time. This year, I now have a deep understanding of how important and prestigious this event is.

Oh, hell, I'll keep it real. This year, I'm dating a woman I really, really like. She's insisted on going to the ESPYs with me. There's not a damn thing I can do about it. Fun is out. I'm playing it straight. I've been told I need to act my age, and that the ESPY trip will no longer be my excuse to go "Old School."

Right before the deadline for ESPY Academy members to vote on the awards a few weeks back, she saw the ballot sitting on my desk at home and thought it would be "fun" if she helped me fill out my ballot.

Here's how ''we" voted.

Best Male Athlete: Barry Bonds nearly carried the San Francisco Giants to a World Series title and won his first batting title. Bonds had individual and team success in the playoffs. His resume is virtually spotless now.... She wanted to vote for Lance Armstrong, even though she's never watched one minute of the Tour de France.

Best Female Athlete: We agreed that Serena Williams is off the freaking chains, and that despite Annika Sorenstam's terrific year, Serena doesn't have any real competion for this award.

Best Team: UConn women's basketball team. The Huskies lost four starters and still won the national championship. Plus, she's a University of Kansas graduate and Jayhawks sports fan. Kansas just hired UConn's old athletic director, Lew Perkins. She thinks an ESPY for UConn's women enhances Perkins' resume.

Best Comeback Athlete: I got to pick this one without interference. Pittsburgh quarterback Tommy Maddox was incredible taking over Kordell Stewart's old job. Dolphins running back Robert Edwards and skier Hermann Maier don't provide much competition.

Best Breakthrough Athlete: I had to be stern about this choice. She's too caught up in the LeBron James hype machine. There's a big difference between breaking through America's media hype machine and really breaking through as an athlete. Yao Ming is the clear choice here. Dude still doesn't speak much English, but he came over here and held his own in America's game.

Best Record-Breaking Performance: Sorry, Tim Montgomery's 9.78 hundred is remarkable, but no one cares anymore. Natalie Coughlin and swimming? I don't think so. Marvin Harrison's single-season receiving record is nice. But Emmitt Smith surpassing Walter Payton as the NFL's all-time leading rusher is something we'll never forget.

	Forget about the Heisman, the uniform is sweet.

Best Male College Athlete: None of the candidates stand out to me. Texas point guard T.J. Ford is one of the most overrated players I've seen in a long, long time. We agreed to go with USC quarterback Carson Palmer. She likes the SC uniform.

Best Female College Athlete: I let her pick this one. UConn's Diana Taurasi was an easy choice. The girl has game galore and she's a winner.

Best Coach/Manager: It has to be Tampa Bay's Jon Gruden. No one was under more pressure than Gruden. The Bucs gave up a fortune to get him, and, surprisingly, he was worth it.

Best Game: Fiesta Bowl. Ohio State's victory was an Instant Classic.

Best Moment: I have to represent the Mid-American Conference. The Marshall coaching staff was stupid for letting Byron Leftwich continue to play, but it's impossible to forget Leftwich getting carried down the field by his offensive linemen. A collision of stupidity and courage. And, really, isn't that what sports are all about?

Jason Whitlock is a regular columnist for the Kansas City Star (kcstar.com) and a regular contributor on ESPN The Magazine's Sunday morning edition of The Sports Reporters. He can be reached at ballstate0@aol.com.