Dear Jerry Rice and Tim Brown:

Hey, guys! Just wanted to drop you a note and let you know that we football fans love and respect what you've done for the game of football. You've always carried yourself like champions.

I know things are rough right now. Your Raiders are in the toilet. It looks like you guys still have a Tampa Bay Super Bowl hangover. I'm sure Al Davis is looking for a couple of people to throw under the bus. Richie Gannon is cussing and screaming at everybody. Richie and I go way back to his days as a backup quarterback in Kansas City. He's a good guy. His bark is bigger than his bite. He'll cool off.

You should ask Richie about me. He'll tell you I'm a good guy. Or, Tim, you could ask Jeff George about me. Jeff actually introduced me to you five or six years ago when he was playing with the Raiders. Jeff can vouch for me. He might mention that I'm a little nosy, though. I like to give unsolicited advice.

I'm kind of like that next-door-neighbor you don't really know but always catch peering out the window or front door to see what's going on in your driveway. I'm the guy who knows exactly how long your wife's best friend stayed when she dropped by unexpectedly while the missus was out running errands with the kids.

I like to stay informed. Just in case someone needs my advice.

	Sadly, Rice changed uniforms and hairstyles.

After watching your Monday Night Football debacle against the Denver Broncos, it occurred to me that you two future Hall of Famers could use a little counsel. Now, both of you guys are older than me and more professionally accomplished, so I'm a bit uncomfortable lecturing you.

But I think both of you should consider an early retirement.

Now, Jerry, I don't think you should quit playing football. You've still got some gas in your tank. But, bro, you have to retire that hairdo. You're making an ass out of yourself. Seriously. Don King sports a classier wig. Carrot Top is more stylish.

You've been wearing that thing for a few years now. When I first saw it, I figured your wife would talk you out of it within a couple of weeks. But here we are in 2003, and quite possibly the greatest player in NFL history is still doing pregame interviews wearing dreadrows.

The problem is, dreadlocks or cornrows don't work, Jerry, if your hairline starts at your ears. Jerry, you're going bald. Sorry to break the news to you, buddy. You're pushing 45 and your hair is falling faster than ticker tape at a Super Bowl parade. It's no big deal. It happened to Michael Jordan at, like, age 25. His Airness accepted it and went with a dignified bald look the rest of his career. Michael made bald sexy.

Jerry, you look like a balding Chia Pet. It's not cool. You're 'The Jerry Rice'. You're supposed to be an old-school pimp, a playa, a football-playing Billy D. Williams. Instead, because of that hairstyle, you come off like a middle-aged man going through a midlife crisis.

I mean, what's next? You gonna get "Thuglife" tatted on your chest? You gonna push an Escalade with Sprewell and ride around The Bay bumping 50 Cent?

Jerry, grow up, cut that shag carpet off your dome, put the Isley Brothers back in your CD player and embrace the fact that you're healthy and amazingly active in your 40s. Quit making a fool out of yourself.

	What can Brown do for you? Retire.

Now, Tim, I have some bad news for you, too. You need to retire. Period.

Word around the league is that Lincoln Kennedy could smoke you in a 40-yard dash. Seriously, you were so slow off the line Monday night that you could see the Broncos' secondary checking to bump-n-jog coverage at the line of scrimmage.

I know everybody is saying, "Wait til Jerry Porter comes back and stretches the field." Porter is gonna have to stretch more than the field to get you open. He'll need to Jeff Gillooly a few kneecaps on those defensive backs.

Hey, I'm not trying to be disrespectful. You and Cris Carter are two of my all-time favorite receivers. You made Jeff George look good while he was in Oakland. I'll always appreciate that.

But you've lost a step or two or three or four. You've also lost some confidence. No way the old Tim Brown drops that touchdown pass Jerry Rice floated perfectly into your fingers Monday night. Tim Brown was never a speed receiver, but he was always clutch.

Tim, these Raiders aren't bouncing back. Al is gonna drop you at the end of the season. Hell, if Al could find James Jett's phone number, he'd consider cutting you today. Go out on your own terms, Timmy. Hang it up now. Your fans don't want to watch anymore one-catch performances.

Jason Whitlock is a columnist for the Kansas City Star (kcstar.com) and a regular contributor on ESPN The Magazine's Sunday morning edition of "The Sports Reporters." He also hosts an afternoon radio show, "The Doghouse," on Kansas City's 61 Sports KCSP. He can be reached at ballstate68@aol.com.