| | | Road Dog and R-Dub reveal themselves, or at least their innermost thoughts, on the August dog days.
Tommy the Flea squeals on Pete Rose
|  | | Pete Rose was most upset over being accused of using a corked bat. |
Road Dog: I b'lieve it. I b'lieve Pete Rose was a real piece of work and sewer dumb and looking to get over, but not meaning nobody else no harm
necessarily. I b'lieve Tommy Giosoia needs to do some more time for Pete's sake. Tommy G. Dat bum. Lookit him. Say "Hey. Little Pete," then watch and
see don't Tommy G. turn around. Hooks hisself up to look more like Pete than Pete, or at least Pete Jr.
And you know he got paid for that Vanity Fair piece. Yeah he did. Sure he did. Please he did.
Pete said he heard Giosoia got 75 large for it. And Pete, he tend to know 'bout the shady side of the street. If Tommy didn't get paid, why he doing p.r. about the piece in front of a big Vanity Fair cardboard blowup, trying to convince cameras what he said in Vanity Fair was true? That's just a coincidence? Tommy G. the Flea doing favors for Vanity Fair now? He doing it to protect his rep? Yeah? What rep is that?
R-Dub: Notice what offended Pete most about all these charges. He noted that he'd never been accused of being a drug smuggler before, but what really got
to him was for Tommy G. to say he used a corked bat.
|  | | Sweet Lou wins the award for Stealth Manager of the Decade. |
Don't get me wrong. I love Pete. But Pete was just distracted by anything other than hitting. When he stopped hitting, when he finally had to retire and went to managing, wasn't much left for him to do but become FUBAR. When you're the manager of your hometown team, where you're a God, basically, and you make out the batting order on your lineup card and then send the hitters up there in the wrong order, when you run over to Kentucky chasing a bimb or a bet, you make yourself suspect.
Pete did screw the lineup a couple times when he managed the Reds, and it tends to make you suspect. And yet, Paul O'Neill, Barry Larkin, ED, Pirates manager Lloyd McClendon, Rob Dibble, all them dudes -- they all still swear by Pete, and say they won it for him back in '90, even though it was Sweet Lou at the controls by then.
Sweet Lou -- Stealth Manager of the Decade, ain't he? Crazy ass Lou. Can run a club, though. Best since Billy, take it all around. Manager of the Year. Oh
please. Oh please. Who else but Lou?
The worst NFL training camp injury
Road Dog: I don't care how bad it is, I don't even care what it is, all I know is ... if I'm thinking Jets ... then I WANT MY @&%!$!* SANTANA MOSS! How in the %$#*&!@ can $%@&*%$! let &%$@&!# do @#&%!*@ to Santana @!&%!*# Moss ... how you gonna get football's Answer to Alley I., then hurt him yourownself!? Swear to God, I don't understand football. Something ain't right to it no more.
R-Dub: There are too many injuries in training camps -- just ask the folks in B'More this morning. The physics of the game have been ratcheted up, but the coaches are sticking to tradition, because tradition doesn't put them at physical risk, like it does to the players.
|  | | The best way to honor Korey Stringer would be too make training camp more sane. |
Old school Marty Schottenheimer was running "Oklahoma" full-contact nutcracker drills on opening day at Redskins training camp. Players called him "Marty Nutzo." Dudes are too big and fast for that now.
The unwritten rules have changed. Old school coaches must adjust. It's not like baseball, where they can be slow to catch on that a seven-run lead in the
seventh inning is, like, nothing, and a guy taking a base or swinging 3-0 isn't trying to "show up" anybody. Being a be-atch about all that is
basically harmless. But when pro football coaches want to have "live" practices just to see how tough their guys are, to get 'em fighting, get
their edge on, get their swell on ... somebody run up the SOS flag, as in Stuck on Stupid.
Have you been looking at the injury wire? Got dudes retiring after head-on collisions at camp now. What used to be stingers -- electric volts running
through you -- is now vertebrae compression to the point of near-paralysis. Bigger, faster, stronger, higher, farther ... all the way to the wall.
Since Korey passed, everybody is checking their ticker and dome when they feel that lightheadedness and physical beat-down that defines the dog days of
August football practice ...
Korey, another good man gone; we never even knew how good he was until he was gone. That's the worst part. Can't bring him back, tell him how much we appreciate it now. But his widow and son can still be respected. He'd dig on that. He'd dig on it, if the training camp methodology became equally efficient but more sane. That would be the way to go out for Big K ...
Baseball's dog days: Can Ichiro, Bonds and Gonzo hold up?
R-Dub: What you should know about August in the big leagues is that by now, they're all hurting. All of the everyday players, whether they are on the DL or not, are feeling the effects of the 162.
|  | | Luis Gonzalez didn't get any help at the trading deadline. |
It is between now and Aug. 31 that a player like Ichiro -- well, there is no other player like Ichiro, so let's say, in Ichiro's case, Lou Pinella will rest him, not let him get
burned out. Cooler temps will revitalize him in September, and with that bullpen, and that leadoff man, nobody can take Seattle for granted.
National League? Wow.
Road Dog: Giants needed a schooled righty club. Who they pick up? Cat. Need a starter. J. Schmidt. Need a longer pen. Christenson, Gomes. Lefty bat. Vander Wal. Did 'Zona get Gonzo some help? No. Sooner or later, pitchers will stop letting Gonzo beat them, start making Reggie Sanders, Matt Williams do it.
Giants? Barry Bonds. Bear. Bear'll have 50 jobs soon. End up with 60, 66 HRs. People'll say, "Barry Bonds only had 66 jobs." Wish a Met or a Yank could hit "only" 66 jobs. Have a parade.
Braves? They got them a Giles, too. Marcus. Hard. No wonder they waved Quilvio. No pop, Quilvie. Seeya. Braves. Smoltz. If he's back ... he's baa-aack. Wonder if
they ever thought of letting Smoltz be their stopper? I would.
Marion Jones smoked by Ukranian Express in 100
R-Dub: Zhanna Pintusevich-Block, Hyphenated Fiber Optic DSL Instant Message of sprinting, does not have the leg definition or stride turnover of a
fluke. You can get a base hit on a fluke. You can befriend Pete Rose on a fluke. Can't outrun Marion Jones over 100 meters -- twice -- on no fluke. Ol' girl
can fly.
Marion should be glad -- glad about losing the 100, not the impending divorce from C.J. Why? Well, apparently Capitalist Tooling and Winning the
Cold War is great for building your dream house, as Marion Jones is doing, but it does soften you up some physically. Check out the NBA rosters. All them white dudes, ain't none of them from Palm Springs. Eastern Europe? Plenty.
|  | | Marion Jones, center, shouldn't be too upset over finishing second to Zhanna Pintusevich-Block. |
Winning the Big-Money Race makes the winners soft and the losers hard. Tiny Gabriela Szabo of Romania can outrun relay teams of entire American civic populations. She's only as big around as one of Marion Jones' legs, but if Marion doesn't catch her by 200 meters, she never will.
Marion should be glad she lost the 100. She's in Act II of her life now. She needs the conflict, the setback, the Olympian obstacle. Gives her a chance
to be heroic again. Now she has a Story, a Mission, a Cause ...
Road Dog: ... and now she got, like, No Man, No Gold in the 100. But, her skin has kind of cleared up, hasn't it? Hmmmm. Scratch that whole "No Man"
reference ... say Marion ... what are you doing?
R-Dub: Moving right along ...
Are the Yanks most vulnerable to the Indians, M's or BoSox?
Road Dog: Is Pedro back? Izzhe? Well? If Pedro ain't back, the Red Sox ain't in the conversation. Strike that, that's all the Red Sox ever are in -- just
the conversation. They had their shot in '86, and let Mook and Mr. Nancy Lopez beat 'em. Shoulda thrown Oil Can at us back then. When they get some outfield D, some team speed, some stopper relief, some pitching beside Pedro who ain't throwing slop, call me.
|  | | Agent Mulder and the A's have enough starting pitching, but the bullpen is a bit suspect. |
The Indians can score, but maybe you can get Juan Gone out when you need to get him. Maybe. Thome -- Mister Ptomaine -- he real scary. Him, Omar, Rob-bee,
Lofton, that Roger Ramjet, whatshisname, Branyan? That Ramjet can pole. Not like Giles though, in Pittsburgh. Indians never shoulda let him go. Hard.
R-Dub: None of the above. The team that can give the Yankees the most problems is Oakland. Since Damon got back up on his horse and Dye hit town, since Jason Giambi is both MVP and Next Big Thing, since they pitch with Agent Mulder, Hud, Captain Zito, if the A's get in -- they be clubbing. If Giambi played 81 at the Stadium, he'd be Babe FUBAR Ruth ... but it's Seattle, not Oakland, that has the bullpen to stay in with the Yanks. Trading that boy Ortiz, 2B, might end up hurting the A's.
Is it still the Yankees' title to lose? Let me ask you this. Does Jeter still wear No. 2?
Can the Twinks hang in with Cleveland?
Road Dog: Why hell no.
|  | | Rob-bee will make the difference for the Indians in the race with the Twins. |
R-Dub: Well, the schedule says they can; they play weaker teams than the Indians play, including seven against Cleveland right now, sandwiched around
seven with the Devil Rays, which is like playing against your little sister, which sometimes can be hard to do. I'd feel better about the Twinks if they
had Robby Alomar hitting third and playing second. Rob-bee. MVPeevish.
Having Rob-bee is a better edge to have than playing the D-Rays seven times. Sweet Lou, Stealth Manager of the Decade, Rob-bee, Stealth Hall of Famer of
his generation. Best that ever laced 'em up, outside Little Joe, Jackie, maybe Hornsby. Didn't see Hornsby. Hated his clubhouse politics. Rob-bee, best ever came down the pike. The poor bastards -- they don't know.
Cal Jr. knows. Rob-bee. Special. Don't care who he spit on or who spit on him. Etiquette is another conversation that doesn't come up in baseball unless
the second division brings it up.
Who will win the 2001 U.S. Open singles titles?
Road Dog: I know who wins my singles' title. Anna Comeonover.
R-Dub: Kornikova. Get her name right, at least. That ain't nice.
Road Dog: Guess what? Honeys don't like "nice." I'm picking Anna Comeonover.
R-Dub: And you'd lose. Even in a fantasy. She's kinda halfway married to that hockey dude, Federov.
Road Dog: Didn't say I wanted to marry her. Just picked her. Said her name. Anna Comeonover.
R-Dub: Well I say Venus wins the Open. If not Venus, then Capriati, then Davenport, then 'ol Hinges.
Road Dog: Thought it was Heen-guess. Not Hen-giz.
R-Dub: Whatever.
Road Dog: You can have her. If I can't have Anna Comeonover, then I want Serena Willya.
R-Dub: Serena Williams.
|  | | Road Dog's pick for the U.S. Open is Anna Comeonover ... not to win it, mind you. |
Road Dog: That's what I said.
R-Dub: We talking about tennis, Dog?
Road Dog: We ain't talking at all. These are supposed to be "uncensored thoughts." I'm playing the game right. I'm talking uncensored thoughts. Dunno
what you talking 'bout. I'm talking about Serena Willya.
R-Dub: What did you call her?
Road Dog: You heard.
R-Dub: No. I didn't.
Road Dog: Oh ... you honorable. You nice. Well ... I ain't repeating it.
R-Dub: OK. What about the men's draw?
Road Dog: OK. What about it?
Most compelling boxer/fighter of 2001 is ...
Road Dog: Zab. My boy Zab Judah.
R-Dub: Actually thought Sugar Ray Leonard for once had something interesting to say. His list was:
- Roy Jones
- Floyd Mayweather
- Oscar De L Hoya
- Sugar Shane Mosley
- Felix Trinidad
|  | | Zab Judah, left, is now Dog's FBFB: Favorite Boxer From Brooklyn. |
Road Dog: You likes that list?
R-Dub: Well, it's better than yours. You and Zab and Tyson. There's life after Brooklyn.
Road Dog: Oh, you know and I don't know? Don't think so. My boy Roy Jones and Shane, they can throw. Trinidad will hurt you -- if you stay there and let him. Ber-Nard Hopkins might have a chance, way he outran the island of Puerto Rico, a la Jackie Chan, on his last diplomatic run down there, when he threw they
flag on the ground to hype their fight. Chris Tucker don't got nothing on Ber-Nard. Ber-Nard gonna make his fight into Trinidad into "Rush Hour 3," all
by himself. Plus he might can put something on Trinidad's mind ...
R-Dub: Would that be before or after Trinidad knocks him out?
Road Dog: Aight, aight, you right, you right. But Ber-Nard a Philly dude. Don't sleep.
R-Dub: In the immortal words of Kobe Bryant to Alley I., "I ... don't ... care." Felix Trinidad probably doesn't either.
Surprised at you, Dog. Most impressive young boxer/fighter of the last year was straight outta Brooklyn. Act like you know. It's gotta be ... "Diane Guzman," female featherweight, played by Michelle Rodriguez in the film, "Girlfight," a movie that makes "Rocky" look like Scooby-Doo or some other Saturday morning cartoon. And Karen K.,
that movie's director, now she's a real up-and-comer.
Who will be the next Yankee playoff hero?
Road Dog: Who else? Jeet. Got that Jeet bobble-head hookup at the crib, just chillin' ...
R-Dub: Moose. Without Mussina pitchin' good, the Yankees might even get beat.
Anybody ever seen Andre Bucher and Ric Bucher at the same time? Hmmmm.
R-Dub: Nobody has seen anything but the back of Andre Bucher's head lately. The "Runs Like A Swiss Watch Dude" has turned the 800 meters into a flat-out
sprint, and, along with Gabriela "The Communion Wafer" Szabo, was the most impressive runner on the track at the World Championships in Edmonton.
Road Dog: Ric Bucher? My man! Mr. NBA -- Nothing But Answers.
Say ... who is Andre Bucher, and why he running so fast from them brothers? What'd he steal? Must'a stole somethin', way he runnin'.
Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."
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