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A good look. That's all we need, me and Dog. If one of us gets a good look at it -- we're money. We're like Stock & Mailman before NBA old age and zoning the high screen-and-roll came down on them.
Me & Dog, we're like ... death & taxes. We're like ... Austin Powers & Burt Bacharach. Yeahhh, Baby! We're like ... Shaq & Kobe Toasting Buns. Which one of us is Shaq, and which one of us is Kobe? Who cares? If you could be either one, would you care which? OK, so would I.
Me and Dog, we're better than Shaq & Kobe. At hoop? Get real. We'll compete at hoop, don't get me wrong, we got game -- OK, I'm Kobe, then -- we can duck and cover. We can grimace for our poster-izing, we can take the ball out of bounds and act disgusted, like we could've stopped this if we'd gotten there in time to take the charge (yeah, right), act it out as good as, say, any of the Miami Heat. But we are what we are. And this is what we are: Page 2 Internet Content Providers.
(That -- and a Jag -- will get you much play from the ladies, Baby.)
Here's how you, too, can get play. First, pick one of your friends -- you know, the one you call when the game's getting out of hand and you can't believe you've been sucked into caring about them bums once again, considering what the idiot coach is doing after being hired by the idiot general manager. The guy you call when you want to scream, "They're all stealing money!" You know, that guy. We've all got That Guy. For me, Road Dog is That Guy.
Fix up some sports questions, then answer them, in tandem. First one guy answers, then the other one picks up on what's left of the answer and finishes. This leads to greater understanding -- maybe even world peace. Ancient philosophers called it the "dialectic." Me and Dog call it the Two-Man Game. And you can play, too.
1. What will Jason Giambi & Rondell White do for the Yanks?
|  | | Rondell White can hit anywhere in the order, and he'll take pressure off Bernie Williams in the outfield. |
Road Dog: "Giambi can straight-up pole. And he'll take groupie heat off Jeter. The Yanks will lead the league in matinee idols."
R-Dub: "... and Rondell is such a straight arrow he makes solid citizens like Bernie Williams look like Carl Everett. Bernie will be glad to see Rondell in the field, too. It's not just that the Other R-Dub can play all three outfield positions. Everybody raves about The Toss Jeter made in Oakland to get Little Giambi at the plate, but the reason that could happen is because Shane Spencer made one of the ugliest camel throws (you know, hump-backed) you ever saw in your life from right field. Rondell can play center some days, give Bernie a break, too. Bern ain't getting no younger. Rondell can play right as well, and the Yankees have been hiding their outfield defense weakness in the corners for a couple of years now. With Paulie gone, who else do the Yankees have who can play left or right? And you can hit The Other R-Dub up high, in the middle or down low in the batting order; he'll be effective, and -- possibly just as important -- won't be-atch about it."
2. What will Robby Alomar & Shawn Estes do for the Mets?
Road Dog: "Yo ... maybe the Yanks won't be leading the league in matinee idol after all. Estes might be a good pitcher again, one day, if he can start getting himself some sleep ... thinks he's running them honeys. But actually, them honeys are running him. Old story. Robby, he still going out with that thick tennis player ...?"
R-Dub: "... Mary Pierce? She could play shortstop and Robby would make her and the Mets look good. Worth it just to go to the park every day and watch all the different ways Robby takes the peg from the catcher after the pitcher finishes warming up. Genius. Total freaking genius. Defensively, the best that ever laced 'em up. If that counts for something, then the Mets are really hooked up on the infield now, with Edgardo Alfonzo at third. Lookeeng good."
3. What will Jason Isringhausen & Tino Martinez do for the Cards?
|  | | The Cardinals acquired a very "nice" player when they signed free-agent first baseman Tino Martinez. |
Road Dog: "Tino. Good guy. Too good. You can see the wires sticking out of the back of him. Sometimes he reminds me of old dude Schwarze -- watch it, now -- in that old flick 'The Terminator.'
R-Dub: "... you mean Yul Brynner in 'Westworld.' Yeah, one day Tino is going to finally go off on somebody for being 'buked and scorned. They say it's not what you can do, but who you follow in doing it. You can follow JFK or John Wooden or Mark McGwire or Dean Smith if you want to. Me, as an Internet Content Provider, I'd just as soon follow, say, Matty Drudge. At least I can make it a game. Izzy? Please. Why are we even discussing this? Izzy throws hard. He also throws straight. Right down the pipe. So get out the Ben-Gay, Tino. As much as your neck is going to be swiveling around watching bombs leave Buschhhhhh, you'll need some."
4. Who (or what) should be "contracted" in big-league baseball?
Road Dog: "Bud Selig's endless commentaries? Steinbrenner's hatband? Barry Bonds' ego? Jeff Kent's envy of Barry Bonds' ego? Player salaries? Ticket prices? Postseason games starting times from around midnight back to 1 and 4 p.m.? ..."
R-Dub: "Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Florida Marlins. Must be a Corleone in the woodpile behind those teams. To quote Foaming-Mad Frankie Five Angels to Michael in 'The Godfather': 'Your father did business with Hyman Roth, but your father never trusted Hyman Roth ... No munge Miami, con Hyman Roth!' "
5. Who is the No. 1 Money Back in the NFL right now?
|  | | Rookie Anthony Thomas gives the Bears a chance to go all the way ... this year. |
Road Dog: "MF. Not that MF. Marshall Faulk. Next question."
R-Dub: "... not so fast, Ram-zilla. Nothing changes quicker than No. 1 Money Back. Running backs don't require all this frying-pan seasoning and speed-eye adjustment coming out of college minors like the quarterbacks do, and when the running backs go down, the list changes fast. A running back is what he is as soon as you give him the ball. And then if he gets hurt, he's not the same guy.
"Gale Sayers scored 22 touchdowns in 14 games as a rookie in 1965. Kermit Alexander caught Gale's knee wrong the next year. Gale hung in there five more years, but he wasn't ever the same. Jim Brown averaged 5.2 yards a carry from Jump Street. Marcus Allen was slated for a long West Coast run as soon as the Raiders pointed him in the direction of the Super Bowl in '83. Early Earl Campbell went 77 yards for a TD for Houston the first time he ever touched the rock in NFL comp. Barry Sanders was Juke City from Day One. I still wince when I think about how he tore up Rod Woodson's knee just by juking him. Rod tried to keep up and -- snap! Terrell Davis was The Man until he caught a knee. And now here comes this young fellow Anthony "A-Train" Thomas. Ears perked up and pointed at him as soon as I saw him at Michigan. Big, hits up in there quick. Great vision. Got a burst. Great feet. Gives the Bears a chance to go -- not in the future, this year. If A-Train had breakaway speed, we'd be talking O.J. Simpson -- not that we're avoiding O.J., it's just, in the night, you know ..."
6. What lessons can be learned from the bottle-throwing behavior of unruly fans in Cleveland and the copycat crooks in New Orleans?
Road Dog: "Same drunk clowns who threw them bottles are the next day saying a dude caught DUI should be guillotined. It's the beer. Alcohol's a drug too. Why you think they call it dope, dope?"
R-Dub: " ... no munge Cleveland, con Carmen Policy! We're getting closer to realizing the vision of Ridley Scott in 'Gladiator.' How 'bout Carmen's one-day U-turn? Was that heartfelt change, or what? Could you tell that Carmen had been taken to the shed, or not? And will the last one out of the stadium in Cleveland please wake up Al Lerner? In the words of Michael Corleone, speaking of the same Frankie Pentangele, 'The old man had too much wine.' "
7. Who has done the best NFL coaching job?
|  | | His team might be struggling, but Tony Dungy has still done some great coaching this season. |
Road Dog: "Gotta say Martz. Creative scheme. Plus I already got down on them early, 8-to-1, to win the Bowl. So Martz better do the best coaching job, or, like Luca, he sleeps with the fishes."
R-Dub: "... well, right now, Martz sleeps, and lives, and dies, with defensive coordinator Lovie Smith. The ex-Tampa Bay associate coach is really what's making the Rams viable. You watch, in the end, if the Rams even go to the Super Bowl -- a big 'if' right now -- it won't because of their smart-bomb offense. Because some equally smart D-coordinator is going to figure it out -- no, you can't stop Bruce, Holt, Proehl and Hakim. Well, maybe you could light them up a little bit, but you can't stop all that and Marshall Faulk, too. You have to come after Warner, jets lit. Maybe Kurt reads it and beats it, but that's the best, maybe only, way. So that means the best NFL coaching job has been done by -- Tony Dungy of Tampa Bay.
"What? What do you mean, what? He trained Lovie Smith for the Rams, didn't he? He trained Herm Edwards for the Jets, didn't he? He beat the Rams in St. Louis this year, and laid down the blueprint on How To Ground A High-Flying Aerial Circus, didn't he? What's more, he's still got a shot at a playoff berth, even though his defensive 'star,' Warren Sapp, has become, in the words of Pittsburgh Steeler DB Lee Flowers, 'a paper champion.' You do know it was Sapp and Keyshawn that Flowers was talking about, don't you? Plus Dungy puts up with the Tampa faithful saying that his job is 'in jeopardy,' that Parcells is coming in. Oooooo. The bogeyman. This from a team that was crud beneath a rock before Dungy got there. Gotta read through this stuff, man. Can't just sit there eating nachos and drinking beer. Makes you stupid."
8. Who has the best job in sports?
Road Dog: "Mike Buffer, boxer ring 'announcer.' Dude ain't even got to announce nothing. Just say, 'Let's get ready to rrrumble ... !' Didn't even have to think that one up. Got it from Ali. It's like stealing for this guy. Second place: Everybody else."
|  | | No one has an easier job than Yankees GM Brian Cashman. |
R-Dub: "Easy. Hands down, GM of the Yankees. It's like being in a fantasy-rotisserie league -- only it's no fantasy, but quite real. You get the first pick, the first three picks, every year. Think you can win with that hand, boobala? Call Jason Giambi's or Barry Bonds's agent, get a call back. A quick call back. Cherry-pick free agents, according to your own eyeballing and sensibilities. Get to trim the fat and the chaff off the roster, according to your taste. Go to spring training, schmooze with captains of industry. Work address: Yankee Stadium. Instead of asking your friends, 'Wanna coupon for a free lunch at Wendy's?', you get to say, 'Would you like two Yankee box seats?'
"So what if you're going to be fired in two years max if you don't win the World Series? You already won the Series, just by having the job! Knowing you'll be divorced by Halle Berry within two years wouldn't keep you from hitching up with her today, would it? Heck, no. What downside? Being called in on the carpet by George Steinbrenner? Call me. Getting fired with two years left on a four-year, $6 mil contract? Fire me."
9. Who should play against Miami in the Rose Bowl for the national title?
Road Dog: "The Miami second team. That's how good Miami is. Like their coach. He doesn't have that Messiah complex like the coach at Colorado, or Washington, or damn near anywhere else in college football has. If we wanted to see a good game in the Rose Bowl, I got no problem with Nebraska. Actually, Nebraska might have as good a shot as any other team. Colorado doesn't have the QB to compete against Miami's D. All that Colorado Counter-Trey student body left action gets stoned against Miami."
|  | | Ed Reed and the Miami defense would eat Colorado alive. |
R-Dub: "Oregon. Because they did it on the field."
10. Who should play in the Toilet Bowl with George O'Leary?
Road Dog: "That's cold."
R-Dub: "Sure it's cold. It's the toilet. It used to be Notre Dame, now it's the toilet. People keep talking about Notre Dame should hire Tyrone Willingham. Tyrone Willingham would have to be numb nuts to leave Stanford, halfway between San Francisco and Monterey Bay, for the climes of South Bend, Ind. Lou Holtz would work. But there's all kinds of assistants to choose from. Just don't be too hard on George O'Leary. This sort of makes up for the world blaming the Great Chicago Fire on Mrs. O'Leary's cow."
11. Can anybody beat Duke in 2002?
Road Dog: "Somebody just did. Kentucky did it Tuesday night. They beat Duke 78-77, as far as my eyes are concerned. Eight seconds left, and that little Jason Williams drove in and threw up trash at the rack, flung his body into Tayshaun Prince and Jules Camara, didn't get contact, but a whistle blew anyway. That's what I don't like about college ball. In the NBA, you'd have to lose a limb to get a call on a "please-ref-bail-us-out" play like that. Try that one on Joey or Danny Crawford ... play on, baby ... play on ..."
|  | | Jason Williams and Duke got a "friendly call" in the final seconds against Kentucky. |
R-Dub: "Probably not."
12. So is Coach K. the New John Wooden?
Road Dog: "... either that or the New Bighouse Gaines."
R-Dub: "If Ted Williams was the New Babe Ruth, then, yes. Coach Wooden won 10 NCAA titles, maybe 11, hard to keep count. He won them with little guards like Walt Hazzard and Gail Goodrich. He won them with dominant big men like Lew Alcindor and Bill Walton. He won them with 6-6 'tweeners like Curtis Rowe and Sidney Wicks. He won them without all these seeds -- where the No. 1 seeds only have to win one competitive game to get to the Final Four. Out of all that, best thing Wooden did, by far, no contest, was teach. Still can't get over him saying, 'Winning is not the most important thing -- trying your hardest to win, that's the most important thing.' In other words, everybody who competes to his/her nth degree wins. The man was a teacher, a fountain of life wisdom. It's a wonder he didn't call all his players 'Grasshopper.'
"Coach K., he's cool and all, but I'm wondering why nobody will give Johnny Dawkins a D-1 coaching job, when baby-faced Quinny Snyder got the Missouri gig. That's not Coach K.'s fault, but I'm also wondering why he went on sabbatical the one year he had that lousy team. Was he protecting his nearly 80 percent winning percentage? I'm just asking. OK? Don't ask me. Ask Jay Bilas. I will say this: I don't think we understand yet just how great a coach and teacher John Wooden was. Nobody has ever explored it fully. Me? Sure, I'd do it. Give me two years' worth of expenses, a good contract and Coach Wooden's graces and I'd sure as hell find him out for you. His ex-players have attempted to describe his essence, but it seems beyond them. All I know is, John Wooden has not yet been duplicated, by Coach K. or anybody else. Even in a competitive sense, all Coach K. has to do is win, oh, seven more national titles. Then we can talk, maybe."
|  | | Mike Krzyzewski is a great coach, but he's no John Wooden. |
13. Who is the best trash-talker in history?
Road Dog: "... damn ... so many ... me?"
R-Dub: ".. either Dog, or Deion Sanders, or Gary Payton, or Emperor Commudus, as played by Joaquin Phoenix in 'Gladiator': "They say your son ... squealed like a girl ... when they nailed him to the cross ... and your wife, moaned like a whore, then they ravaged her, again, and again, and again." Hey now.
14. Who wins: Lennox Lewis or Mike Tyson?
Road Dog: "I'm from Brooklyn."
R-Dub: "That's another column."
15. Why can't it be two-person game?
Road Dog: (dial tone)
R-Dub: "Yes, dear."
Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."
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TWO-MAN GAME |  |
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