Hellzapoppin' all over in these maddening, strange days of Big-Time Sports in Florida. You can see where your average Floridian would be binging on it, and knocking himself out with pride.

	In typical form, Steve Spurrier couldn't hold back in his final Florida news conference.

The Miami Hurricanes won the college football national title Jan. 3 in the Rose Bowl. "Won" is not the operative word/words for what the 'Canes did to Nebraska. How 'bout "laid waste to"? And what hallucinogens make followers of Oregon think it would've been anything other than edible mincemeat pie, rather like Nebraska?

The Miami Hurricanes are also the best football team in Florida. Realize that there are three NFL football teams in Florida. Makes you stop and think, don't it? It does if you're Steve Spurrier.

On a rotating basis, the other best teams in Florida have often and recently been the University of Florida Gators and the Florida State University Seminoles. But on balance, the 2002 Miami Hurricanes are now the best football team in Florida. Keep that team together, in five years I guarantee they'd be in the Super Bowl, and winning it, "laying waste to" it, whether Spurrier was coaching them or not.

As noted, there are three NFL football teams in Florida, the Tampa Bay Bucs, the Jax'ville Jags and the Miami Dolphins. They don't have the talent or titles won of the Miami Hurricanes. So you can see where Stephen Orr Spurrier might add things up from there.

Let's see: Spurrier could've (a) stayed at the University of Florida, where he is a god, a genius, but where he can't munge Miami, or (b) go to the NFL, where the competition might not be quite as stiff locally, where he wouldn't be a god, and where his pay rate would double. Um, let's see ... might it be, could it be (b)?

Any moron on the SAT figures that one out without a single "duh."

Does it all sound oddly ridiculous? Well, that's partly me, that's partly Steve Spurrier and that's partly Flippin' Florida for you. It makes a weird kind of smooth sense, that a man with steam in his stride can do very well down here if he makes the right moves. Right now Stephen Orr Spurrier -- locals often reverentially refer to him by three names, or first and last, plus middle initial, like Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee, Jesus H. Christ, or Billy Bob Thornton -- is the best "ball coach" alive until proven otherwise. Why? Because he's the most popular, telegenic and imaginative offensive ball coach in Florida.

Frankly, I like his style. He's one of them whicker-bill boys from the hollers of the East Tennessee hill country who wanted to be a Volunteer so bad he could taste it, who wanted to be like Johnny Majors, even though you don't know who the hell Johnny Majors is. But if you've got a TV, you damn sure know Steve Spurrier.

Because Steve was light in the ass and slow off the mark coming out of high school, the Vols asked for none of him; so he ended up crestfallen at the University of Florida, which was no great shakes in the SEC until he got down there. Spurrier won a Heisman while he was there, mostly by being shrewd, calling his own plays and being all intuitive about it, the way Tiger Woods sizes up golf, feeling it, that's the way Steve called a game. Still does. Just be better -- that is, have better players and stay basic -- is pretty much the only sound way to beat him. Stop him? Can't stop him. He was firing TDs even though half the time he didn't look as if he could get it in there, as a player or a coach. He was, in a word, deceiving.

		Because Steve was light in the ass and slow off the mark coming out of high school, the Vols asked for none of him; so he ended up crestfallen at the University of Florida, which was no great shakes in the SEC until he got down there. Spurrier won a Heisman while he was there, mostly by being shrewd, calling his own plays and being all intuitive about it, the way Tiger Woods sizes up golf, feeling it, that's the way Steve called a game. Still does. Just be better -- that is, have better players and stay basic -- is pretty much the only sound way to beat him.

Know this. Wasn't much of a pro QB. Soft arm. But he'd won the Heisman, just like, oh, I don't know, Pat Sullivan, or Gino Toretta ... no, better than them. Spurrier never had as much around him.

Now, in another life, Steve coulda wound up like ol' colored Jake Gaither, who used to coach the Florida A&M Rattlers when Steve was at Florida, back when the Rattlers were the Hurricanes; Ol' Jake was from up in them hill country hollers, too, and he wound up with a great winning percentage at FAMU, but bitter, broke and forgotten. Wasn't in the cards for Ol' Jake. Ol' Steve, he did a little better. Is it all in the paint job you happen to have? Mostly it all depends on if it's your time. Even then, you gotta make it happen.

Once Spurrier got to head ball coaching at Florida, he took great relish in beating up on the University of Tennessee. Tennessee would have as many good athletes, but Spurrier was light years beyond Phil Fulmer as a ball tactician. The games would often be over in the first quarter. Ol' Steve could put 40 on UT in his sleep; in the first half.

Georgia? Don't even be bringing no Georgia up in here either. And Spurrier would've already insulted Ray Goff or Phil Fulmer in the week's run-up to the games. Daring 'em. Notice how he shoots from the hip; if your feelings get in the way -- tough s---. If you can't stand the heat, don't get into the conversation.

See, they'd hurt him, long ago, the Vols had, and the people in the NFL who weren't impressed by his arm, and called it and him a rag; whicker-bill competitive ol' boy like Steve ain't likely to forget sich. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Vols whomped up pretty good on the Gators last season, ruining the Florida Dream Matchup of Florida vs. Miami in the Rose Bowl, but that wasn't due to combat tactics. Spurrier don't give a rat's ass about D; as a consequence, he didn't have a very good one this year. Me, I'm still waiting for his "star" Alex Brown to make a play. So Fulmer stayed basic, sent his scatback "rat at 'em," hiked up his britches, got some getback.

Meanwhile, Spurrier genuflected on the sidelines, threw up his hands more times than Moses, or the ref, and he lost that game, but not very many other games; now he looks for greener pastures.

It ain't no mirage, either way.

Frankly, deep down, he's a homeboy and I like his style, but not as much as Floridians do. Was on a plane with dude from Gainesville, 50ish, whicker-bill dude, had a business -- who remembers what it was? -- he had to go to New York to do it, so it was in some way legit. Speaking in at least half-truths, since he had been decent enough in his limited conversation up to that point, I said, "You know, you kind of remind me of Spurrier. You do." You should have seen how ol' boy swole all up in pride. "Waal, I have kinda studied his management style, his style a-coachin', and the way his offense exploits the defensive weaknesses." He was one of those men, mostly, ululating in despair when S.O.S. stepped down.

Spurrier clumb his way up as a coach after washing out with the Niners back when. Didn't brown-nose his way up. Wouldn't know how. Ain't his way. First taking a job from ex-Tennessee A.D. Doug Dickey here, from Pep Rodgers there, then another one from brewery magnate John Bassett there to coach in the USFL; Spurrier won the ACC football title at Duke, which was obviously before Florida State came in, but still ... then he came to Florida, raised much hell, which I also like about him.

	Miami boss Larry Coker's a fine coach, but could you pick him out of a lineup?

While he was discussing why he was leaving Florida at his drop-everything press conference last Monday, I liked his style. Spurrier thanked everybody who had ever hired him in spite of his lack of social graces and tongue-biting, then he laid out his grudges for airing, referring to without naming ex-Orlando columnist named Larry Guest, among others. Ol' Steve gave Jim Mora a mild shot for crying (naming him), and a subtle jab to Tony Dungy (without naming him), for losing to the Iggles in the "meaningless" last game of the season. Spurrier gave New Orleans Saints coach Jim Haslett a shot, saying he had a newspaper clipping saying Haslett came in to work every day at 4:30 a.m.

"Hasn't done him much good," said Ol' Steve.

Spurrier also took on all Tallahassee, without bias. He did all this without meaning any harm; he was just being Spurious Spurrier.

Spurrier had stolen the thunder of the mighty Miami Hurricanes just by saying he was stepping down on the day after they won a fifth national championship under four different coaches in under 20 years' time. Spurrier is the biggest name in coaching right now. Larry Coker? Larry Coker could show up at your front door and you'd just ask if he had a package for you or something. That said, I like Larry Coker's style too, but notice how much of this column he's taking up. In that way, some of us got it, and some of us don't.

Spurrier's got it. For now. Use it, or lose it. He understands that.

The real question was, after 12 years at Florida, 10 wins a year, a national championship, after more pissing contests with Bobby Bowden than any urologist cares to count, quietly ducking Miami, why in hell would he stay? Good ball coaches are a hot item now; they're dropping like flies in the NFL and at the Triple-A level, D-I. Spurrier was the highest paid college ball coach in America at $2.1 million a year. Stands to make $4 mil to $5 mil per in the NFL.

That's 2 million reasons right there.

As for Florida football, well, Howard Schnellenberger, Jimmy Johnson, Dennis Erickson and Butch Davis left Miami, and it didn't seem to hurt Miami much. Hell, man, you can siphon off from the middle 50 percentile recruits from high school football in Florida and make a good living, pod'nah. In fact, Schnellenberger, 'Ol Smelling Salts, is back coaching football at some school down in South Florida, coaching ball again at, what is it, Florida Atlantic or something? Central Florida trying to go D-I. Because they've got enough high school football players down here to go around, with plenty left over. They've got good high school ballplayers the way Stephen King has bloody nightmare scenarios. Florida has cornered the market on talent and everybody else is just playing for seconds. Why? Beats me. They say running in sand helps the leg strength.

So, all in, the Florida Gators would have life after Steve Spurrier, you'd think. The question is, would they have a legendary coach after Spurrier, Florida A.D. Jeremy Foley went to Bob Stoops, Spurrier's old D-coordinator, now at Oklahoma, where he won a national title January of 2001. The BCS (Better Call Spurrier?) put him in against Florida State and the quivering chin, I'm-scared game tactics of Bowden, rather than against the Mighty 'Canes.

Stoops thought about the Florida job offer for a while. Hmm. Follow Spurrier at Florida. Once there, face his loyal, religious following of confederates and redlegs. Even if he won, face people saying, "Say, are yewe duckin' Miamah?" Or ... "No, thank you," said Bob Stoops from a safe distance in Norman, Okla., where alls he got to do is beat Nebraska for people to be pretty much satisfied.

	Florida A.D. Jeremy Foley, left, shakes hands with his consolation prize, Ron Zook.

Then the Florida A.D. Foley went to talk to Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan. Shanny makes $4 mil a year from Pat Bowlen, so that was a very short conversation, but it helped both of those old friends look good, to each other, and in Florida, if nowhere else.

Feeling like Rod Serling, Foley moved on to New Orleans, to Ron Zook, former Gator assistant, most recently D-coordinator with the Saints. Haslett's Saints. "Didn't do him much good," said Ol' Steve.

Most people speculate that Spurrier would most rather coach the Tampa Bay Bucs, since they've already got a good defense, and a Keyshawn Johnson, and a Warrick Dunn and a Mike Alstott, and really need a scheme -- and what Spurrier does best is scheme.

Problem is, Tony Dungy, The Quiet -- Too Quiet -- Man from Minnesota, already brought the Bucs back from the dead. It's yesterday's news. Spurrier is today's. Seems Dungy's outta here no matter; if his agent was smart instead of just sitting there firing back salvos through the papers, he'd have a relationship with Red McCombs already. See, Dungy is Spurrier up in Minnesota -- well, compared to Dennis Green, he is. And Dungy is to D what Spurrier is to O. The Dungy D and the Bucs have the best chance to stop the Rams this year -- Dungy, or the Bears' A-Train, Anthony Thomas, or Favre & Co., But, nobody in Florida can. And Floridians can't understand how they're not the center of the NFL big-time sports universe too. So Spurrier took care of that for them. Now they are.

Steve Spurrier basically has his pick from his own top 10 list:

1. Carolina Panthers -- Best fit; be like resurrecting Duke, the Panthers have got plenty of nothing. Even the fans have deserted them. This would be the Messiah complex job.

2. Washington Redskins -- This is the Lust job. Dan Snyder lusts after Spurrier, Steve's old mentor Pep is there, it's the seat of national power, there's a pretty good O-line, he can bring in his own receivers -- and he gives great receiver -- and his QB. Likes his QBs spavined up, like he was, mostly, though this Grossman boy has got all the goods, including the meddling parents, but if I had a boy who could throw like 'at, hell, I'd meddle some, too. Appears colored boys need not apply at QB for Spurrier, that's part of his charm, deep down, isn't it? So pack up after your surgery, Mr. Mediocre Tony Banks, you'll have a new address next year no matter what.

	Tony Dungy and a lot of "what ifs" stand between Steve Spurrier taking over the Buccaneers.

3. Tampa Bay Bucs -- the If Only job. If Only Dungy doesn't beat the Eagles and the Rams, If Only the Glazers weren't playing such silent coy footsie with Bill Parcells ...

4. Indy Colts -- Lotta weapons. Maybe that was a Freudian slip, Steve bringing up Jim Mora's crying in his press conference, saying He Himself, S.O.S, ain't much of a crier ...

5. Minnesota Vikings -- Weapons' mammy. Latitudinally challenged, though. Culpepper and Moss. But no ... too cold ... no old hurts for Steve to feed off, won't work at all ...

6. Miami Dolphins -- Perfect ... if something would just happen to Dave Wannstedt, you know, some kind of résumé scandal or something. Jay Fiedler? Chan's gone, Spurrier's riding into town? May as well be on the same bus with Banks.

7. Tennessee Titans -- Don't laugh. Do ... not ... laugh ...

8. Jax'ville Jags -- Could easily unseat that martinet Coughlin, who would be in line for the Captain Queeg award, except Pat Riley already retired it down in Miami earlier this year.

9. Orlando Magic -- Better watch your back, Doc Rivers.

10. Any NFL Head Job @ $4 mil per year -- Almost perfect. Spurrier has been known to play mucho golf during daylight hours, says he doesn't want total control, must have a good D-coordinator, a capologist, and a personnel guy. Basically, Spurrier wants, and is gonna get, $4 mil to $5 mil a year for being a great offensive coordinator who doesn't mince his words.

11. And do you know what? I kinda like his style, a combination David Letterman, Joe Namath, Norv Turner, Barry Switzer, Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox.

Ol' Steve's getting ready to land really, really soft. Up until the live ammo starts flying on NFL Sundays. Then it's every man for himself, and all the pink flamingoes in Florida won't help you. Then again, nobody will be hitting Steve, and there's 5 million consolation prizes a year even if he doesn't win a Super Bowl.

Out of time already, doctor? And we didn't even get to discuss the Florida State hoopers beating No. 1 Duke in Tallahassee the other day.

Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."