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Someone I like enormously was at the press conference the other day when Little Mike Tyson went off. I say Little, because when Tyson came down off his little pedestal and sauntered over to Lennox Lewis, it occurred to me -- the only way Tyson could beat Lewis about the head and shoulders was with a tennis racket.
|  | | Mike Tyson fits the insane, schizophrenic, sociopathic sport of boxing. |
And then only by using an overhand smash technique.
Lewis may be mild-mannered, but he ain't no short lob to be put away. He requires work. Maybe this occurred to Tyson too. Maybe he was feeling
like he wanted to stand nose-to-nose with Lennox Lewis, and then discovered he could only stand nose-to-sternum.
So he destroyed the photo op.
So throw a Napoleonic complex in on top of all the other horrors and schizophrenia involved with being Tyson. You've got insanity. Which fits. In a way: Boxing is insane, schizophrenic. Something sociopathic about it. In short, something like ... well, let's hope not like you and me. But we can find out if it is. The rest of this piece will also be schizophrenic, the better to reflect its subject matter.
First, let's clean up the rest of the Tyson mess, coming as it does in the Glacial Wait for the Lewis-Tyson heavyweight title fight.
I relied on experts and history for my background on this matter, and my jacket on Tyson. First, Maxie K. Maxie is a very young man whom we admire for his passion for the bloodsport. He thinks Mike Tyson might be trying to get out of the fight, and that Fear is a major element in his latest meltdown -- fear and abject desperation. He may have a point, but I myself would fight Lucifer for half of what Tyson stands to gain against Lewis. Then again, Tyson ain't broke. But if he's feeding all his hangers-on, he soon may be.
Who are these people? The ones always surrounding Tyson? It looks like the Boys Choir of Harlem, so tightly are they packed in like sardines on top of each other -- only these ain't nobody's boys.
Does Bed-Stuy close whenever Tyson goes to a press conference?
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Ali was much bigger, and Ali's entourage wasn't a third this size. And in fact, all the people around Ali had a purpose in furthering his fighting abilities. |
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It's sad; really, pathetic. He can no more rid himself of them than a shark can rid itself of remore fish and the constant need for motion.
Ali was much bigger, and Ali's entourage wasn't a third this size. And in fact, all the people around Ali had a purpose in furthering his fighting abilities: Luis Sarria, the silent Cuban masseuse; Dr. Ferdie Pacheco, the Weeping Medic; Angelo, always Angelo; Pat Patterson, the Chicago cop bodyguard. Really, Ali had only one hanger-on, Bundini Brown, who was paid to be an a--hole. The rest of them had a purpose. No one around Tyson has any purpose at all. His corner is a joke and always has been. It's hard to go down from Kevin Rooney, but Tyson has sunk far beneath that.
I saw it all a few years ago, when I saw Tyson at his digs in Vegas. He had invited me over. Why, I don't know. I have been known to write about fighters, probably that's why. In order to get into the inner sanctum, where he was sitting all alone, I had to pass through a phalanx of maybe 20 dudes -- dudes who were about nothing, dudes who were into nothing, dudes who had nothing to offer. They were the essence of street bravado, their skills were only in offering and cheering lame insults, and their only concern was where their next meal, or lay, or gaudy piece of outerwear was coming from. If I sound hard on them, well, they passed themselves off as hard men; they probably would kill you if there was a couple grand or some perceived respect involved in it, if they had a chance and though they could escape punishment -- they certainly looked as if they wanted to kill me, or at least beat me, for coming and gaining private access to the meal ticket.
Suppose I took him away from them? Suppose I told him he didn't need them, there was another way -- the Way of the Intercepting Fist? Suppose we rented Bruce Lee movies and kicked it a while?
But more likely, these hangers-on would simple drag Tyson down further into the muck of the netherworld, and they did, and he is stuck there now, seemingly for good. So this is nothing new in boxing or life. In the streets, attrition rates have always been high.
Emanuel escaped. I recall when Emanuel Steward took me into his home in Detroit, where his lovely wife prepared a delicious dinner that was also low in fat. With the death of Gentleman Eddie Futch, Steward became the best trainer in boxing, guided the remorseless, prolific, bed-hopping Evander Holyfield to the title, then guided the massive, polite, proper, almost prim but well-coordinated Lewis to same. And let's not forget his work with once underfed Thomas Hearns, and a cadre of other boys-beyond-boyhood who made a buck or two, coming out of that hellhole, the Kronk Gym.
|  | | Emanuel Steward showed how you can go from bully to gentleman. |
But Emanuel once was just a cheap litle bully himself, when he was kid, cruising the streets for battle scars. He found the hidden discipline that lies at the bottom of boxing and improved himself. But he'll tell you today that as a boy, he was nothing but a hellion.
George Foreman may be not great shakes as a boxing broadcaster, but he cooks one hell of a hamburger. People boast of having this George Foreman grill, that renders the fat away from meat in a clean fashion, almost as well as Mrs. Steward did, and much the way George used to stocially knock dudes out -- no muss, no fuss.
George had terrorized the streets of the brutal Third Ward in Houston for years before he became a professional boxer. He was a bully. He waved the flag at the '68 Olympics when he won heavy gold; patriotism is the easiest way to foment an uneasy tolerance of oneself, if one needs to foment that. Especially when other black dudes are standing on medal stands wearing black gloves. Still, George was never seen as being more than two steps away from becoming Sonny Liston, or some other sociopathic bully boxer.
After George was beaten by Ali in Zaire, he signed to fight a platoon of heavyweights, all on one night in New York. He fought five, six, seven men on that strange evening. I remember thinking, "George, no matter how many of them you knock out, this is what you have to figure out -- it's you
that you have to beat."
Somebody's probably been talking that Sun-Tzu-Art-of-War smack to Tyson, as well. Apparently, he ain't hearing it as well.
So my circle of wisdom was complete. Maxie K., through the life and times of Emanuel Steward, through the miraculously changed public face of George Foreman, ending with, who else, Road Dog.
|  | | Tyson and Lennox Lewis improvise on the meaning of photo op. |
"Didya hear about Tyson?" said Dog. He sounded so very sad, I didn't even taunt him about both of them being from Brooklyn.
"It's pretty bad," I said. "It's a weirdly nobly barbaric event, a boxing title fight. I've known few who could make it -- or the run-up to it -- seem otherwise. It's a dark thing. That was the genius of Ali. He made it seem like such a lark. I've seen three men die in the ring, beaten to death right before my eyes. I suppose it requires a greater discipline for the participants to say, 'We who are about to die salute you.' Apparently, Tyson's not in the mood for that."
"What can he do now?" asked Dog.
"Fight. That's about it. What can any of us do?" I replied. "So, do you want to set up a meeting. In Brooklyn? On Tyson's territory? Where you'll be safe? Easy enough to do. Just hail any nefarious-looking, corner-hanging dude on the street in Brooklyn. He's probably a Tyson hanger-on. Want to try and rehabilitate him, Dog? I think, if you want to do that, that you'll be fighting all day. But it would keep you alert. Do you want to get to
the bottom of the screaming wail that is the mind of Mike Tyson, do you really want to touch the maggots that are chewing away at his soul ... ?
"... the ship ... be sunk," said Dog, sadly.
Stunned. Never heard of Dog throwing in the towel. He still thinks the Dodgers are coming back, and is saving money to contribute to a new stadium. He thinks the Knicks are one player away. But he's given up on Tyson. What power the Ex-Heavyweight Champion still has! What emotions he does fire! How in hell does he do it?
Take this test and see. Call it the Mike Tyson Pop Psych Profile. Dog took it, and now he feels better. Got exactly one laugh out of it. Scoring done by three judges, not including Dr. Flip Homansky.
What would have been Ali's nickname for Tyson, had they fought?
a. Yum-Yum Eat Em Up
b. Brainiac
c. Red Skull
d. Where Is He? Oh ... Down There
|  | | Experienced wildlife trainers Siegfried and Roy. |
Who would be the best trainer for Tyson?
a. Slobodan Milosevic
b. Siegfreid & Roy
c. Shane Mosley's dad
d. Emanuel Steward; difficult though, because Steward is also Lewis' trainer; maybe he'd alternate corners by round. If both boxers get in trouble, he could whip out the cellie and consult.
What is the best music For Tyson to box by?
a. "Loving You"
b. "It's The End Of The World As We Know It."
c. The gangster rap of Biggie Smalls
d. Schzoid screaming guitars and bats blowing saxophones
Who was older, Tyson now, or Ali in the Rumble in the Jungle?
a. Who cares?
b. Tyson was born of woman?
c. Ali
d. Tyson
Who should write a book about Tyson?
a. Pete Vecsey
b. Martha Stewart
c. Bret Easton Ellis
d. Clive Barker
Who should direct the inevitable movie about Tyson?
a. Wolfgang Puck
b. John Carpenter
c. Spike Lee
d. Martin Scorcese
Who should play Tyson In said movie?
a. Denzel Washington
b. Jaime Foxx
c. Michael Clarke Duncan
d. Whoever he is, I don't want to meet him
Who Is Tyson's favorite writer?
a. Pete Vecsey
b. Jose Torres
c. Print Is Dead
d. Harlan Ellison, author of "I Have No Mouth & I Must Scream"
What would Howard Cosell say about Tyson?
|  | | How would Howard Cosell tell it like it is? |
a. "Down goes Lewis!" Down goes Lewis!" Then he'd wake up.
b. "Comparatively, Frank Gifford is a intellectual lightweight."
c. "I will broadcast no more forever ..."
d. "Oh, the tawdriness, the mindlessness, the residuals ..."
Should boxing be banned?
a. No.
b. Hell no!
c. Yes.
d. Boxing could never be banned, so why are discussing it?
Why are we even discussing boxing?
a. Slow day at the water cooler
b. Because nothing else can challenge the Rams
c. Shane Mosley, Roy Jones Jr., a raft of lesser champions
d. Mike Tyson
Can Mike Tyson beat Lennox Lewis?
a. It depends on the height of the stepladder
b. It depends on who brings up the word "gay" first.
c. Beat him at what? Insulting sportswriters?
d. Any man with two hands in the ring is dangerous. Even an insane one. Maybe especially an insane one.
Which way would you bet?
a. Lewis
b. Tyson
c. Even money the fight doesn't come off at all.
d. I wouldn't.
Give yourself 5 points for every (a) answer; 4 points for every (b) answer; 2 points for every (c) answer; 1 point for every (d) answer.
If you didn't take this test at all, award yourself 0 points.
50-65 points: Why, you're a bigger sociopath than Tyson.
35-50 points: You're more of a Bundini Brown sociopath.
20-35 points: You are a boxing maven.
5-20 points: You are a boxing scholar.
0 points: You are so much better off.
Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."
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SINKING IRON |  |
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