(Big Sleep is a 23-year-old 7-foot NBA baller with a 9-foot wingspan who, in his words, "has mad hops" and "can play all five." He occasional lends his voice to Page 2 for our man R-Dub.)

	Bonzi Wells represents NBA ballers the way Enron execs represent corporate America.

R-Dub finished, man. Finished. Seen what he been writing 'bout lately? Nothing 'bout the League, is all I know. So nothing real.

Not that the NFL ain't real. It's mighty real. Sternum got a courtesy call from Tags, I hope, back when they were talking about pushing the Super Bowl back a week -- right back flush up against the NBA All-Star Game on the same day. To me, it was cool. Push us to the afternoon, say 4 p.m., let us lead into the NFL action on Feb 10. What would you rather watch? Fox's NFL pregame show, or me schooling the master, me taking Jordan, Grasshopper grows up?

Whaddya mean, you'd rather watch JB 'nem? Well -- everybody ain't like you. Ever think about that? Did you ever once think about that? Me? No, I guess I haven't.

Well, you get to playing 82 games, you get to thinking that's the whole world. And it is. It's A whole world. Check it out.

Who got jobbed the worst by not being picked for the All-Star Game. Alls I gotta say is, not me. This my third straight, and still pretty much the only chance the national non-cable audience gets a chance to see the Sleeper do his thing. So yeah, I'm happy to be there. I ain't no baseball player. "Who got left off the NBA All-Star Game" is one'a them stories that really ain't one, like, "Who's gonna start at QB for the Patriots in the Super Bowl?"

Yeah, Baron and Stack could'a been there, but there's just so many spots to be had. E. Brand could've been elected. Yeah, but so could Al Gore. It's the kind of nonnie-nonnie-non story that helps the newspaper come out every day. R-Dub explained it to me once. Said I was smart to be taking some schooling on and off the NBA court. Said there were two kinds of reporting. Day-to-day, called journalism or something, where there had to be drama every day.

		After next year, Money should go back and coach Carolina. He'd been a sight more aware than his old teammate, that Doherty dude. Lookit that dude. Mike old as that dude? Jordan truly is a miracle then. And he couldn't coach no worse. Alex Hannum couldn't do worse, and Alex died couple months ago.

Paper come out every day, Dub told me. Said, "Remember." So I said, "Who are you, Mr. Spock? What's this, the Vulcan mind-mesh?" See I watch me a lotta Sci-Fi channel 'n stuff. Don't be hanging out that much. Gotta last. Dub said, "Mind-meld." I said, "Whatever. Help me, Obi-wan Kenobe. You're my only hope." Made him feel better. He more insecure than Bonzi Wells.

Heard about Bonzi, didn' you?

Team PR people and media services people and even personal trainers have been hissing at all of us, "Don't be like Bonzi Wells! Don't say what he said!" Leaving off, of course, "'Cause if you do, you might cut off our gravy train."

Myself, personally, I thought it was stupid when Bonzi basically said, "Screw the fans, we ain't playing for the fans" of Portland, or something like that; somebody put a crane to work and lifted old Mychal Thompson outta his rocking chair so he could say the fans are the game. Well, the fans pay some of the freight for the game, no doubt, but hey, you don't know who Bonzi Wells is, let alone sit and watch him for two hours, because he's no diplomat. If you was paying to see him talk, he wouldn't make fiddy cent. Long as he's not letting Kobe just run all over him, and getting his 18 and 9 and five, and playing hard, so? If you notice, ever since he put his Nike in his jib, Bonzi been playing ass-out. Scared to death, prob'ly. That's when people act out, usually. Scared.

People ask me if Bonzi represents a segment of the League. I say, "Why, hell, yeah -- the same way them dudes at Enron represent a segment of corporate America." Now, did them dudes say, "Love the shareholders, the game is all about the shareholders, we play the game and sacrifice ours for the shareholders"? Yeah, they did. What's mo', they said it convincing. Did they mean it? Heck, no.

I'll take Bonzi. I know Bonzi. He didn't mean no harm. He was hurt. Got booed a bit or something else he'd be over by the next day, or maybe he was anxious about when his next hot streak hitting that little fade he like from base be arriving.

	Jason Kidd's the best point guard because he looks for everybody else's shot first.

But the paper come out every day. Know what I'm saying?

Books may treat us better. Dub say they "examine the whole arc," whatever that means. Guess it's like examining the arc on Timmy Hardway's knuckle-ball jump shot and wondering how that thing ever go in. But it do, don't it. Me, I'm scared too. Scareda books. Had a chance to write one. Well, they would'a hooked me up with a dude, Dub, to tell you the truth, and he woulda wrote it, and then I woulda been wondering what was in it 'til it came out. That's why Barkley once said of his own book, "I was misquoted."

I got a long memory. So I passed. I figure I can write this -- actually, I'm dictating into a tape recorder while resting my head on two pillows that are actually -- well, you don't wanna know. Well, actually, you might wanna know, at least know how, but I ain't tellin'. Dangerous liaisons, baby. Somebody's old lady. And I ain't the one to do that -- but she asked, and she so fine! It's hard to resist 'em all, man. Ever a priest couldn't resist 'em all ...

Anyway, books may or may not treat the brotherhood of the League better, or more true to life, one day. But I'm, like, not knowing how anybody can sit down and write a book in the first place, man. Guess people that can write up books ain't knowing how I can pogo over Kmart and hook-dunk him before he can recover, flex and drop his axes across my dome and rack, like he did Mailman. Think we all didn't notice that? Yeah, we did.

Other things we noticed in the first half of the season

	Baby boy Kwame Brown couldn't take his skills from drills into real games.

Jordan the player -- played us. Jordan the exec -- got clowned. Everybody in the league knows Jordan got clowned for approving the No. 1 pick, that Kwame Brown boy who did great drills with nobody grinding on him, which a high school center can do. But he is what he is -- a high school center. He sucked up to Mike pretty good, too, and Mike, he be digging on that. But then that boy went out there and found out what it was like. He was lost. Truly. Baby boy, when they got you watching tapes of another high school/pro center named Tyson Chandler, from the on-life-support Bulls, to see if you can learn something, you know you in trouble. Large.

Jordan could've approved picking Gaslight, that Pau Gasol boy, who be silent -- killing, dropping 20 and 10 er'y night, looking like there ain't no way he could do it in the meantime. But the boy runs the floor and got a quick up move and can stick it. Yeah, he from Spain, but everybody gotta be from somewhere. I'm from South Cackalack myself, by way of South Side Chicago, and they let me in. Jordan shoulda picked Battier. Either way, the Memphis Griz woulda been hurt, but hey, who we foolin', they hurt anyway. But see, there's this Carolina Cosa Nostra thing in the league, and this Duke thing. Jordan wasn't taking Battier, and let's just say it didn't help Shane none that he went to Duke. Usually going to Duke, the new keeper of the flame, would get you play, run, jobs, TV, babies, all the sizzle you want. But then you gotta always remember, you the steak, and somebody gonna be trying to eat on you and get full. Yeah, you get play, if you from Duke, right up until you get to the NBA. You never get play from Michael Jordan. Oh well. His loss.

After next year, Money should go back and coach Carolina. He'd been a sight more aware than his old teammate, that Doherty dude. Lookit that dude. Mike old as that dude? Jordan truly is a miracle then. And he couldn't coach no worse. Alex Hannum couldn't do worse, and Alex died couple months ago. Word is, that Larry Brown might coach Carolina. Fine by me. I'm tired of going to Philly once a year and getting toasted by Alley I. anyway. Yeah, he shoot too much. He shoot way too much for me 'cause they be killing us when he shoot that much. Let Mutombo shoot it some.

Who my match-up in the All-Star Game? Hm. Antoine Walker. Antoine real piece of work. He had got to hatin' on Pitino, 'cause, see, what 'Toine and 'nem figure it, all them Kentucky boys he once had at the Celtics, they got Pitino paid, got him that Celtic job, got him the quiet Enron, by winning games and the NCAA title at Kentucky. For free. And then Pitino, once they were all with the Celtics, 'Toine, Mercer, McCarty and 'nem, Pitino sold them out by saying Bird and Mc-Hale weren't gonna come walking back through that door, and that if they didn't work harder, he was quitting. Didn't mention nothing about giving back none a that cheese, though. Just left the people in Boston believing 'Toine and Pierce was like, garbage or something, poisoning the well in Beantown against them. The wellwater wasn't all that pure to start with. Pierce even got jumped. But we all been jumped. 'S long as it ain't too many holes in you afterward, you'll live. And learn.

Now Pierce and 'Toine are the best pair of forwards in ball. Pierce is the better player between the two, dog, but don't tell 'Toine that. Might get him mad, and you ain't gotta match up with him. I do.

New Jersey ain't no mirage. Jason Kidd be making it work. Can't do nothing with Jason. Best pure point guard in the whole run to me -- or at least the best to play with, 'cause he not only look for your shot first, he look for everybody on the team's shot first, before his. Course, there's a reason for that. His shot ain't all that. What you gotta do against Jase is back off and let him have the deep j. One box I saw, he was 1-for-17. That ain't even intramural level. That ain't backyard. So you gotta go with that. He won't shot that bad e'ry night, but if you press up on him and stay up, he's by you for a lay, if you come off your man to deny him, the man you left is gonna be dunking shortly.

	Kobe Bryant could've had 80 points if he'd played the whole game against the Grizz.

Tim B. Dunkin', but Jason B. Killin'. In the First Half, anyway.

People be talking about the NBA "in trouble," due to de-cline in TV ratings. Yeah, us, and Oprah, and everybody else, 'cepting maybe the NFL. Horneys getting bum-rushed to New Orleans -- and if they ain't drawing flies in Charlotte, wait until they get down to America's Above Ground Zombie Graveyard. Ain't looking forward to that road trip. See that phat contract the League got from ABC 'nem? Need me some trouble like that!

Speaking of trouble, the Lakers be lookin' like they in it. Griz beat 'em a game. Bulls beat 'em a game. The Bulls! Everybody say, "They look vulnerable." To who? The Justice League of America? Whenever the Hinterland Wolfhounds come to town, they turn it up. Happened to catch them against Orlando. T-Mac and 'nem up by seven with two minutes left in the third. Shaq look at Kobe, like, "You ready to play?" 43-18 run. Lakes 111, Magic, All Blown Up.

Shaq. That punch he threw at Brad Milquetoast couple weeks ago in Chi. Was Oak who really dropped the axes on him. Shaq didn't roll up on Oak like that, huh? Oak woulda had something for him. And besides, the "punch" everybody oohed over looked like a guy pitching a mushy baseball at bottom-weighted "milk bottles" at the carnival. "What would'a happened if Shaq landed that punch?!" Probably what woulda happened is Shaq woulda broke a wrist.

My first half First Five
Me -- not being egotistical or anything, but we the same 32-12 the Lakers are. Course, we ain't yawning while we doing it.

Kobe -- Unstoppable. 56 points in three quarters. Coulda had 80 that night. Course that was against the Griz. Don't care if it was against the Five Globies Plus Muggsey. That got Sleep's attention.

Howitzer -- That's what I call Dirk Nowitzki. Since he got a haircut, he may look like the world's tallest skinhead, but he playing like I remember seeing on them old VHS tapes of Larry Bird. Too bad Bird never made it to DVD. That woulda been sharp. Howitzer be dropping the bomb, 7-foot, with 3-point range. I mean, au-toe-matic. I can hit 3s, but I can't make it rain 3s. Howitzer can. And will cram on you. Far as being a white boy goes, that's for you up in the stands to notice. Once we start balling, everybody's clear as glass, at least to this one brother.

Shaq -- Worst thing he does is throw bad punches. He's The Dominator. Yeah, Hasek, that Detroit goalie may be in hockey, but The Dominator ain't nobody else but Sha-qwille, O-N'ill.

Jason B. Killin' -- See above.

	The Howitzer, Dirk Nowitzki, is au-toe-matic when dropping the bomb or when cramming on you.

What about Chris Webber? What about a whole bunch of dudes I could name? When Web looks at Shaq when the Kings play the Lakes, and then looks back over at his boys and says, "I got him," and his teammates' mouths drop and then he curls his lip and says, "What you looking at? I said, I got him," then Webber will be 'bout it 'bout it. Until then -- bowin' that Collins boy in the head ain't gonna do it. That's what rooks are for, in a way, to get bowed in the head, might bow some sense into 'em, but Web could give Shaq probs the rest of the dudes in the league could only dream of, the way Russell gave the Dipper probs. But Web don't want none. Like he ain't getting combat pay already.

Like his taste in honeys. Tyra -- she ain't bad. She may have got her odometer rolled back a little in the chop shop, but whatda.

Who been hittin' The Wall lately -- Jamaal Tinsley, serious way.

You know who got some talent? Golden State. We got ourselves a W, though, whenever we go out to Oak-town. I call it "Mahogany" ball. Talent, like success, means nothing, unless you got somebody to share it with, just like what old-ass Billy Dee told Diana Ross.

What else is up. Well, I'm gonna be rolling with the Boneys on next weekend, with my peeps, the West All-Stars Who Happen To Be White. Promised Howitzer, Nashie-poo, Pow-Pow Peja and my boy Wally World we was goin' clubbin'. They want to know where. Told 'em don't worry about where, you ain't from America no way, so what do you care where? Be like that Raiders kicker, Janilebowski, and just rock back and have a good one.

Wally World, he say, "I'm from here, Sleep. I'm just like you."

Wally World. He my boy. He be ballin' too. But I had to tell him, "I love ya, World, and we gonna beat them #%@$&!# Lakers one of these good old days, me 'n you, but don't never think you got as much game as Sleep. You just another can of paint to me."

Then I smiled. So did Wally World. He growing up. Last year, he woulda got all pensive on me. But he learned how to talk what you call trash and what we call s---. Learned to translate it too.

We boys now. We gonna land on somebody this year. Real hard.

And Cuban? Don't get me started on Cuban. Put it this way:

Love him.

Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."