NBA All-Star Weekend is upon us. My boy Road Dog will be in the house, even though he regards Philly as a foreign country, and keeps saying, "I ain't got no passport for Philly."

	Elton Brand made the All-Star Team ... but only as an injury replacement for the West team.

I reminded Dog that he has a ticket, opinions ... and he knows how to Bogart his way through when all else fails. That should do it.

Hooked up in Philly during All-Star Weekend -- the dunk contest, the 3-point shootout, the 3-on-3, the hotel lobby and bowels-of-the-arena techniques of the skeezers, chippies, groupies, Annies and 'hos, oh my, the assorted flora and fauna -- it all should take his bad breath away.

But not his powers of speech.

"What about the dudes who should be there, but aren't?" I asked.

"What about 'em?" Dog replied.

"Recognize, Dog," I said.

He yawned.

"Recognize, and I'll put it on ESPN.com's Page 2," I said.

Dog, he got all talkative then. He ain't stupid. Well, not really.

Dog's 2002 NBA All-Passed-Over Team

G: Baron Davis, Charlotte: "Yo, Baron had to be added to the East roster as an injury replacement, but we'll take him right now, before any other point in the league, straight up. What you mean, bringing up Stevie Frybake and Jason B. Killin', Dub? Jason Kidd done the unforgiveable. Jason Kidd made the Nets better than the Knicks. OK, OK, way better. But get me Baron and, I'm telling you, it'll be even-steven, soon as Baron figures out that Spree is all-court but like to pout and Allan is a beautiful jump-shooter and nothing else. Once he figures it out, BAM! Yeah. In my dreams."

	Jerry Stackhouse is doing it with mirrors in Motown.

G: Jerry Stackhouse, Detroit: "Kinda like a thrift-store Jordan -- not really -- but got a killer laugh and first step. Him and Uncle Cliffy doing it with mirrors. You seen the Pistons roster? Man. Some nights they be looking like extras from 'The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.' Waitin' for the craft services truck to pull up."

C: Elton Brand, L.A. Clips: "Only an All-Star because Shaq got hurt, Brand X is the real deal. They say Jordan could've had him in D.C, too, for the rights to last summer's No. 1 pick, Whatshisname. Then we're talking NBA Finals for the Wizards instead of saying, "Good young squad," about The Cli-zippers. But Brand had the wrong college on his résumé ... at least, according to Jordan he did."

F: Shawn Marion, Phoenix: "And ain't getting paid jack either, $1.778 mil. No respect, taking a pounding down low, night in and night out, got Penny and Stef for teammates. Must be mornings he writes REDRUM in the steam on the mirror in the bathroom."

F: Pau Gasol, Memphis: "Runs like an ostrich, looks like one too, or maybe a refugee from one'a them Frenchie indie films or maybe from the casting call for 'Papillion.' You'da thunk that when Lorenzen Wright got hurt and quit all that horsing he was doing on the boards, Gasol would shrivel up, but, by Stromile, he put up numbers, and put 'em up for Le Griz de Sade. Case closed."

Told Dog he was butter on a roll, and to keep it going ...

Dog said, "I'm so hot I can cup my hand and boil water in it. Feed me, Dub. Feed me and stand back." And so, not being crazy, I did:

Dog's 2002 NBA All-Resented Team

	Kobe Bryant is resented because of old-fashioned jealousy.

G: Kobe Bryant, L.A. Lakers: "Crazy, but Kobe is resented everywhere. Down gym rats -- or punks who think they are down gym rats -- ask, "How come Kobe don't braid his hair," pouting when they ask. You seen Kobe's head without his Powerpuff 'Fro? Remember back when Kobe went shaved a few years ago? Looked like his head was too small for his body. Dude can't help that. This ain't to mention how his Lakers teammates resented him last year, up until he got married. They said that maybe now Kobe would think of somebody else instead of Kobe. What they thought was that maybe now somebody will make Kobe as miserable as he made them in practice by busting them every single day and then asking them if they wanted some more of that. What he s'posed to do -- apologize? That ain't what Jordan did. Kobe vs. Jordan coming up this month. More resentment coming."

G: Latrell Sprewell, N.Y. Knicks: "Still quietly resented by the general public for choking P.J. Carlesimo, though generally hailed for it by his NBA boys. Bobby Knight choked an 18-year-old boy, and now he's an honorary Texas Ranger. Spree is now honorary Totally Resented -- especially when he gets to pouting about how nobody will get him a big man to play with, and especially by husbands of the jewel-dripping, bored housewives' 'Spree's Wanna-Be Lovers Clubs' at Madison Square Garden. Spree, Spree ... et tu, Chaney?"

G: Vince Carter, Toronto: "Resented for going to his college graduation ceremonies at the University of North Carolina, when he could've been in his hotel room watching Spectravision and waiting for room service before Game 7 of the 2001 Eastern Conference semifinals. Resented by Jordan for re-signing with the Raptors instead of going free agent, where Jordan could've signed him in Washington to become Scottie Pippen Squared ... resented by Charles Oakley for having commercials and lift ... resented by the gym rats because he gets phantom injuries when some regular-season game seems to be getting on his nerves ... and just generally resented for being the monster dunker of life."

	You know the Magic resent Grant Hill's contract and injured foot.

F: Grant Hill, Orlando: "Silently resented by Rich DeVos, 76-year-old owner/founder of Amway. See, all his life, Mr. DeVos understood sound business investment. I'll invest $500 in you, you'll bring in $1,500 for me and a lot for yourself. Hill's balky broken foot must have felt like Scamway to DeVos. Hill couldn't help being injured, but the thing is -- he was injured before the Magic invested $93 mil in him. The Magic sent out a letter to season ticket holders after Hill's reinjury, apologizing for the state of affairs. And now DeVos wants out of the business altogether."

F: Darius Miles, L.A. Clips: "The Randy Moss of the NBA. Ability all out the wazoo. Crazy hops. Long? Longer than Long. But that little back-of-the-hand knocking against his headband thing after he dunks -- it's almost as bad as the Q-Dog sign being made by the Omegas. You don't get it? Neither does Darius."

F: Charles Oakley, Chicago: "Has a Manhattan phone book-sized directory of those who resent him. Check under F for Tim Floyd. Oak greased the skids under him, didn't he? What about him calling out Vinsanity in Toronto? The only ones who didn't resent Oak up there, calling out Vince in his walk year, were the moving van companies. They're like the undertakers of pro sports. All they know is, somebody's gonna be going somewhere. Oak's highly resented by the likes of Jeff McInnis and Tyrone Hill, just because he smacked them around in public a little bit. Hey, they should have a brother named Michael Corleone, if they didn't want to get slapped around in public, and even that didn't help Fredo."

F: Rasheed Wallace, Portland: "Resented by the NBA refs, who Tee him up like a Titleist."

C: John Amaechi, Utah: "Two years ago, this dude turned down a four-year $12 mil deal with the Lakers to basically sit in a rocking chair, to back up Shaq. Did it to stay in Orlando because, "They said they would take care of me." After Orlando dumped him after last season, he signed with the Jazz. Not only was he resented by other backup centers whose dream is to play with the Lakers and make all that playoff cheese for clapping, waving towels, patting guys on the butt, but he's also resented by Jerry Sloan and Mailman for coming to Utah in less than Mr. Universe shape, then drinking tea. Plus, his British accent charms the ladies. Summamabe-atch ..."

"Interesting, but I don't know about the last one, Dog," I said.

" 'Cause you don't know my League like I do," Dog insisted. "Now just keep giving me the rock and let me do my thing." So I did:

Dog's 2002 NBA All-Overrated Team

G: Derek Fisher, L.A. Lakers: "Had the nerve to cop a 'tude because he lost his starter's job. Hey, Fish. Think you're the only dude in the world who can hit treys with nobody guarding him because they're too busy doubling Kobe and Shaq? Wake up."

G: Nick Van Exel, Denver: "Wal-Mart Allen Iverson."

	Allan Houston is a jump-shooter who's paid like an all-court superstar.

G: Allan Houston, N.Y. Knicks: "Plays like a jump-shooter. Paid like an All-court superstar. Walt Frazier? No. Walter Davis? No. More like ... Wally Cleaver, as in the Beav's older brother."

G: Damon Stoudamire, Portland: "Mighty Mouse has cartoon-like defensive skills. Twenty better point guards in the league."

F: Eddie Robinson, Chicago: "What happened to this dude? Signed from Charlotte with Chi-town, then must have fell into Lake Michigan or something. Hoffa didn't disappear that fast."

F: DerMarr Johnson, Atlanta: "S'posed to be The Truth, coming out of Cincinnati. Lesson is, there is no truth in Cincinnati. Not under Huggins. DerMarr playing like The Lie for Lon Kruger. Sure, it must be Lon Kruger's fault then ... not ..."

F: Shawn Kemp, Portland: "The world's largest -- and best-paid -- has-been. This is the Sunset Boulevard of NBA players. That wide, too. Don't know how he hauls all that lard up and down the wood."

F: Corey Maggette, L.A. Clips: "Duke-zilla. In one day, out the next. There's a reason Orlando traded him. All-time basket-hanger of life. Call me the next time he gets a rebound in traffic."

	Chris Webber will get off the overrated list when he finally accepts the challenge of guarding Shaquille O'Neal.

F-C: Brian Grant, Miami: "Gives dreads a bad name. Has a look of dread, is what. And he was effective up in Portland, too. But I don't ask wot hoppened. I just note who's ballin', and who ain't."

F-C: Chris Webber, Sacramento: "When he checks Shaq, he gets off this list, and not one minute before. What, C-Webb, you scared of getting hurt or something? With that body? Please. Oh, please."

Dog's 2002 NBA All-Underrated Team

G: Jason Terry, Atlanta: "He's what Damon Stoudemire was once cracked up to be, the best truly small guard in the league ..."

G: Cuttino Mobley, Houston: "A real AK-47. Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow. Shoots it like he plays for Sacramento. No fear either."

G: Andre Miller, Cleveland: "Got more handle and plays better D than I thought; no real deep shot, but then that just cuts down on the sin of temptation; like G.P., shoots layups ... on anybody."

G: Quentin Richardson, L.A. Clips: "Total game, but ... See where his head ends up. Lamar Odom got L'A'ed by L.A."

	Seattle's Rashard Lewis can hit from all over the court.

F: Rashard Lewis, Seattle: "Stick Man. As in stick it from deep."

F: Al Harrington, Indiana: "Before he got hurt, was the toughest off-the-bench matchup in the East ... longer than you think ..."

F: Lee Nailon, Hornets: "Big, strong, gangly dude, got a lot of Silas in him, except he can and will shoot, and make. Interesting."

F-C: Jamaal Magloire, Hornets: "Octopus Man. Always did look a little overly bored at Kentucky. Arms long as anacondas, hands big enough to cover Barkley's mouth. Shot-blocker. Rim-rattler."

C: ZhiZhi Wang, Dallas: "Cute game, except he's 7-3, which is way cute. Dead-eye from 3, got game underneath. Good upside."

C: Keon Clark, Toronto: "Burning Spear. The Mau-Mau of the Boards. You could clean a bong with his legs, they're so skinny, but they must be made of steel. Made the Raptors not have to think about why they signed Hakeem Olajuwon."

Dog's 2002 NBA All-Stealing-Money-Like-It's-Enron Team

C: Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Cleveland: "Got the Gunds thinking about getting out of the game; makes $11.250 mil a year, basically for getting on John Lucas' nerves. Nothing. Nada. Zip."

C: Eric Montross, Toronto: "At least tries to play, but he is such a stiff Lenny Wilkens doesn't even ask him very often."

C: Greg Ostertag, Utah: "Got physical the other night. Only it was with his coach, Jerry Sloan. Shouldered by him good, though."

C: Erick Dampier, Marc Jackson, Adonal Foyle, Golden State: "Unholy Trinity of Stealing Money. See-No, Hear-No, Speak-No, and Definitely Play-No Evil Triplets of the Western Conference. Golden State's perimeter players ain't too bad -- Jamison, Hughes, Sura, that nuke, that young boy Richardson. But they can't buy a rebound, and since together these guys are pulling down a cool $13.9 mil, you'd think they could afford a couple."

F: Toni Kukoc, Atlanta: "Just think of it. $8 mil to play Croatian Postmaster, mail it in every night. Not even Express mail, either."

	Juwan Howard is stealing more of Mark Cuban's money than David Stern.

F: Juwan Howard, Dallas: "Plays hard and plays pretty well, as a complimentary dude, what he is, what he'll always be, especially with that unorthodox screwball jumper of his. But he's drawing down $18.750 mil, and at least $10 mil of that is stolen. But the way Mark Cuban absorbs half-mil fines with a smile, guess he'll never miss it. Where was I when these dot.com guys sold out and made it all into Monopoly money? I was prob'ly at a ball game, doofusing around. It always happens to me that way, Dub ..."

"Dog ... come back, Dog."

"Oh ... yeah."

C: Kwame Brown, Washington: "Don't even take off his warmups anymore. No help whatsoever. Face broke out on top of that. Totally lost. A high school center as the No. 1 pick in the NBA. It ain't his fault really, but this is the big-time, Baby Boy, so it is."

G: Reggie Miller, Indiana: "If the wheels come off a guy, and nobody mentions it, does he make a sound when his team falls? Apparently not. Reggie used to be a quote and a jump-shooting machine. Word's out he can't get it off anymore. Reggie backers say, Isiah ain't setting enough picks for him. Isiah backers say, well, Isiah, back when he played, never needed a pick."

G: Nick Anderson, Memphis: "Makes $5.401 mil to tell funny war stories on the bus, the pro basketball version of Crash Davis. Lucky to still be in the league. Then had the nerve to say when he retires, his number should be retired by the Orlando Magic. He was, like, their first-ever No. 1 pick. He was also the guy who appled up at the free-throw line, couldn't even get the rock into the cylinder in four tries at the end of Game 1 against the Rockets before they swept the Magic, Shaq and Penny, in '95. No, I ain't forgot you, Neek-o. Yeah, you got in Jordan's way a few times, way back in the day, dropped some threes, back in the '90s, but, I mean, dude, at least get the rock in the cylinder ... it ain't got to go in, but at least show me some stomach ... at least be professional ..."

Dog missed the bus to Philly. He's out there trying to hitch a ride now. Hope he makes it, and doesn't run into Nick Anderson ...

Ralph Wiley spent nine years at Sports Illustrated and wrote 28 cover stories on celebrity athletes. He is the author of several books, including "Best Seat in the House," with Spike Lee, "Born to Play: The Eric Davis Story," and "Serenity, A Boxing Memoir."