| Poll Results |
 |
| | | Comparing two of the NBA's all-time best big men, Shaquille O'Neal and Wilt Chamberlain, apparently is no slam dunk.
|  | | Beating Wilt Chamberlain would be no easy feat for Shaquille O'Neal. |
In a poll to decide who would win a one-on-one game of 21, Page 2 readers narrowly picked Shaq (51.2 percent) over Wilt. After more than 6,700 ballots were received since Tuesday, just 167 votes separated the two (3,475 to 3,308) Lakers big men.
Check back again next week for another "When Worlds Collide" feature that asks your help in describing what would happen if two sports titans (one a current star, the other from the past) went head-to-head.
Here are three of the best letters among the 500 we received from readers:
As both these titans played (and won championships with) the Los Angeles Lakers, the obvious location for this showdown would be the L.A. Forum, complete with a sellout crowd spurred on by the silky, seductive, sensual choreography of the (post-Paula Abdul) Laker girls.
|  | | The Laker Girls factor cannot be overlooked when contemplating Wilt Chamberlain vs. Shaquille O'Neal. |
The matchup begins with Shaq using his 50-pound weight advantage to punish the Stilt down low. Leading with his shoulder (and the
occasional elbow to the chops), Shaq pivots into Wilt in a blatant attempt to dislodge the defender from his position -- then whines when nobody calls a foul.
Somebody patiently explains to "The Big Aristotle" what "call your own fouls" means, whereupon the next few possessions of the match
degenerate into a predictable pattern of Shaq initiating excessive contact, then calling Wilt for a foul. When one observer comments on the peculiarity of a man who never fouled out in his career being called for a hack on every possession, he receives a stern reprimand from Shaq Diesel:
"I say play me like a man,
I don't think this chump can.
I don't feel no guilt,
For dominating Wilt."
Shaq quickly reaches a bonus situation, and begins a constant barrage of bricks from the charity stripe. After an hour of watching Shaq unsuccessfully attempt to drain the uncontested 15-footer, Wilt chimes in with some free throw shooting tips. The ear-splitting clank of iron is soon replaced by the sweet swish of airball after airball, as Shaq takes Wilt's advice and combines their two legendary free throw styles into an on-court abomination not seen since the days of the ABA tri-colored ball and men's basketball shorts the length of hot pants.
Finally, 463 consecutive missed free throws later, Shaq is declared the winner when somebody points out the Big Dipper left a half hour ago with the Laker girls. All of them.
Drew Karpyshyn
Alberta
|  | | Chamberlain, left, wouldn't have to deal with Bill Russell-quality defense from Shaq. |
As the two giants take to the playground, Shaq glances upward at Wilt's true 7-1 frame and flashes his million-dollar grin. "I'm
gonna play you like a game of chess. Period. P-E-R-I-D, period," Shaq says menacingly.
Wilt replies, "Careful, Shaq, the DNA lab is working on the results to see if I'm your father. If I am your biological daddy, consider yourself grounded."
The one-on-one game to 21 buckets begins. There's no deafening crowd, no swarming media and, much to Wilt's dismay, no cheerleaders.
What? No cheerleaders? What's he supposed to do at halftime now? Re-enact the Emmy-deserving halftime performance of Destiny's Child?
As the grueling clash of the giants grunts on for two hours, Shaq takes a commanding lead, 20-11. After all, this isn't Bill Russell's offense. At game point, Shaq goes up to seal the game with a monstrous slam. But what happens next may go down as the most unusual play in history.
The ball explodes! Apparently, between all of the thundering dunks and bricked J's, the leather took its toll and burst like Kobe's ego. Speaking of No. 8, Kobe stops by the game on his way back from prom No. 8. Hey, he loves high school parties, what can you say? And it just so happens he has brought along an extra ball, the Spalding Infusion, which he gets millions to advertise.
Having to resort to a Kobe-product, Shaq is bewildered and distracted. Wilt makes an incredible comeback to tie the game and eventually win. The Man of Steel, self-destructed and self-defeated, ponders why he couldn't stop the Stilt the same way he single-handedly stopped the Sixers in the NBA Finals. It's not Bill Russell's defense either.
The sun is now falling and the two giants walk away from each other. Shaq, still in disbelief, yells to Wilt, "Forget about b-ball, let's take it to the intellectual arena. One-on-one 'Weakest Link'! They don't call me The Big Aristocracy for nothing!"
Wilt replies, "Shaq, they call you The Big Aristotle. Not Aristocracy. And you're on. See you next Monday on 'The Weakest Link'! I'm sure I can't do any worse than Bill Walton."
Steven Ko
Rockville, Md.
An extra incentive is added to the contest when Phil Jackson decides to meditate in front of the free throw line to help Shaq.
Shaq has the ball first, but starts cold, as he's too frightened by his coach on the court to focus. He can't convert any putbacks either,
because Wilt's getting every rebound. Jump hooks and 5-foot turnarounds are badly missing their mark for "Superman."
The Hack-a-Shaq is working, but so is the Kill-a-Wilt, as the two worst free throw shooters in history battle at the line, against nerves and "a possessed monk" (as Wilt later describes Jackson to Linda Cohn in an exclusive interview).
|  | | Shaq would get a chance to show his ball-handling skills against Wilt. |
Wilt's up 7-3, then Shaq puts home three straight dunks by backing Wilt down with his extra weight. Shaq's hooks start to fall, and his dreams of always being a point guard are paying off as his crossover is dazzling The Stilt. Shaq even manages to breakdance around the astonished Wilt for one of his patented "I'm-big-and-can-hang-on-your-rim-with-two-hands but-can't-do-anything-else-in-the-air" dunks.
Neither can seem to make a free throw, and not even Stuart Scott's play-by-play can motivate either player at the line (though Scott gives an emphatic, "Booyah!" on the only free throw made in the game, by Shaq). Finally, it's all tied up at 20, and it's Shaq's ball up top.
Suddenly, Kobe runs on the court, wanting the last shot, and he begins yelling at Shaq for not giving him the ball in the clutch. The Diesel is so distracted by Kobe's antics that Wilt gets the steal. However, Harold Miner comes out of nowhere and tackles Kobe, while yelling that he's the "real" Baby Jordan.
Shaq comes out of his daze and gets inside just in time to block Wilt's dunk. He then dunks home his own game point with -- prepare for the surprise -- a two-handed slam! Wilt runs away in defeat, as 19,999 women run after him for child-support.
The 20,000th one chases after Kobe to ask him to her Prom.
Damon Boggs
Colorado Springs, Colo.
 Send this story to a friend | Most sent stories
|
|
|
