This year's All-Stars don't impress me much. Barry Bonds, chasing 70? Yeah, good luck with that. Randy Johnson leads the NL in Ks? Geez, never seen that before. Brett Boone, 81 RBIs? I'm looking into my crystal ball ... and here's what I see ... 3 RBIs for you in the second half. Luis Gonzalez, .351? That would have been nice, like, eight years ago when you were playing for the Cubs.

But you know who does tickle my fancy this year? Rey Ordonez. This guy is a modern-day wonder! He has done nothing but make out after out after out his entire professional career, and he continues to make out after out after out (188 of them as of this morning, to be exact). Despite all this, he has a nice, phat contract courtesy of Steve Phillips, and lots of at-bats courtesy of Bobby Valentine.

It's marvelously insane!

Of course, Ordonez gets no love for this. He doesn't get to play in this week's All-Star game, he doesn't get a spot in those MTV jock-n-jerks softball games, there are no endorsement deals from Louisville Slugger.

Nothing. And I'm thinking, this ain't right. Rey amuses me, he deserves recognition.

I've got something for him.

Allow me to introduce the first annual All-Scrubs Team, intended to honor those "hitters" who don't find the game quite so comically easy as, say, Sammy Sosa does. These guys get their 3.1 at-bats per game, and do nothing remotely productive with them. No one thanks them for it. Until now.

First Base: Kevin Young, Pittsburgh
First base is, of course, a power position, and for one fleeting moment in his 10-year career -- in 1999 -- Young actually acted the part (26 HRs, .522 SLG%). Before and since, he's been dreadful, especially so this year: .312 OB%, .394 SLG%. That's not even passable for a shortstop. When ex-Pirates GM Cam Bonifay sits down one day to write his memoirs, and contemplates where it went wrong in 2001, he might want to pass on the "all my pitchers were injured" excuse and perhaps concentrate on why he made Young and the merry band of Pirates out-machines (Derek Bell, Pat Meares) so golly-gee rich.

Second Base: Pokey Reese, Cincinnati
Hard to believe the Reds held off on that Griffey trade so long just because the Mariners wanted to get their hands on Reese. He may be a nifty fielder, but he's a pretty sorry stickman. The brutal numbers: .289 OB%, .347 SLG%. He's just killing the Reds this year.

Shortstop: Rey Ordonez, New York Mets; Tony Womack, Arizona
I couldn't pick just one. These guys are both so incompetent with the bat, it'd be a shame to leave one out. I've already shared my thoughts on Ordonez, so I'll stop beating this dead horse. Womack, though, deserves a special call-out: He's never been any good (.275 OB%, .311 SLG% this year), and yet the first-place D-Backs continue to feed him at-bats. To paraphrase: I have seen the enemy. It is not the Dodgers, it is not the Rockies. It is us. (See below.)

Third Base: Tony Batista, Toronto/Baltimore
First, an apology to Seattle's David Bell (.295 OB%, .398 SLG%): You just missed out on the real All-Star team, and you just miss out on this one too. Sadly, however, Batista has been so, so bad that he gets the nod. Tony has a .257 OB%, the very worst in the American League. Though the Blue Jays "accidentally" placed him on waivers last month, I'm thinking they did him a favor. He'll feel quite at home in Baltimore, under the tutelage of their own legendary out machine at 3B.

Outfield: Steve Finley, Arizona; Brady Anderson, Baltimore; Johnny Damon, Oakland
An unusual collection, for sure: All three are former All-Stars. It's truly baffling to consider just how hard these guys have fallen. Finley slugged .544 last year. This year: .339. Anderson is two years removed from a .404 OB%. This year: .306. Damon kicked butt last year (.382 OB%, .495 SLG%). This year, he's had the greatest negative impact of any potential free agent: .295 OB%, .328%. Wretched, these three.

Catcher: Michael Barrett, Montreal
Barrett is not nearly the worst backstop around. He's pretty young (24), he showed some serious clout his rookie year in 1999 (.436 SLG%), and he may make something out of his career yet now that the Expos are done messing with him at 3B. So why is he here? One, he has been pretty wicked this year (.285 OB%). Two, whenever a discussion of bad hitting comes up, it's important that Felipe Alou's name comes up too. Felipe, of course, is the former manager of the Expos who failed to develop one young hitter beyond Vladimir Guerrero, who is so talented he could have developed on the moon. And yet despite this gross neglect, Felipe is canonized in baseball circles. Why? Will someone explain why?

Now that I've put my team together, one last question: Where do we play? What stadium is decrepit enough to handle all this refuse? The Vet? The Metrodome? Stade Olympique? I dunno. Maybe, it's best left up to you. Power to the people, and all that. Send me an e-mail with your nomination for the world's worst baseball stadium, and I'll give you a shout-out in next week's column. Impress me, won't you?

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From the Mailbag: A new name?

This week, I was called "Scotty old boy" and "hyperbolic", but not moron. I think I'm getting better at this gig, no?

Come on, Scotty old boy. Clippers win a ring in 3-5 years? That's like saying that Journey will win Album of the Year.
-- Barry Dabbaghian-Nichols

Don't stop believing, my friend: If drivel like Steely Dan's pumping out can win a Grammy, Journey can too.

Hyperbole, thy name is Burton! Guess who'll be in his prime in 3-5 years? Kobe. Guess who'll still be in his prime? Shaq. Throw in a role player or two, and Olowokandi and Co. just may manage to steal a game from the Lakers before their ignominious exit ... in the first round.
-- Cristian Fernandez

What you call an intra-Los Angeles series anyway? The Freeway Series? The Smog-and-Fog Series? Help me out.

I am a die-hard 76ers fan, but I adopted the Clippers as my Western Conference team. I can't have cats hoppin' on their bandwagon. I am already tired of heads sweatin' my Sixers. Zip that Clip toutin' lip.
-- Jesse Silverman

You're funny. I'm not sure I know why.

I love the young Clips as much as you do, but Olowokandi is a disaster with 10-minute-a-game backup skills.
-- Jay Bartos

True, Kandi's not a first-tier center (how many are there, anyway?), but if he learns how to stay out of foul trouble, he should grow into a solid B-list type.

You don't think that with the new zone defense, McInnis, Dooling and DMiles are going to struggle next year?
-- Brett Shea

I dunno. To quote one college coach: The best way to beat the zone is to beat it down the floor. The Clippers have all kinds of full-court athleticism, meaning teams are gonna have a hard time setting up shop in half-court D.

I, along with a few other buddies of mine who will be graduating from the University of Michigan next year, plan on moving to L.A. next year. The Clippers will be our new team. Goodbye snow and Eric Montross, hello palm trees and Darius Miles.
-- Brian May

You're also saying hello to traffic, bad air and Ed Begley Jr. Turn around. Turn around now.

I seriously protest your portrayal of those who know of Don McLean as "droolers" and "non Web surfers." What's your spin on 42-year-old women that read espnmag.com?
-- Beth Kershner

I've got no problem with 42-year-old women. Except that one who was running the Arby's window last Sunday. All I wanted was a receipt! A gosh-darn receipt! You hear me! Sorry.

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The Summer Replacement is a senior reporter for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail your suggestions and scorn to scott.burton@espnmag.com.