|
|
Mariners vs. Yankees |
Mets vs. Cardinals
|
|
Tuesday, October 17
The horror, the horror: M's must save mankind
By Jim Caple
Special to ESPN.com
The Seattle Mariners are civilization's last hope.
If the Mariners do not win Tuesday and Wednesday, the earth will stop
spinning on its axis, continents will rip apart, the oceans will empty their
basins, zombies will roam the earth and Alan Greenspan will raise long-term
interest rates. But none of that will compare to the greatest terror of all,
a horror of unspeakable magnitude: the dreaded Subway Series.
|
“ |
Are you ready for the David Justice guest appearance on 'Friends'? The Benny Agbayani beanie baby? Tell-all biographies from both Bobby J. and Bobby M. Jones? ” |
Like nuclear war, humanity has lived with the dark mushroom cloud of a
possible Subway Series for decades, praying that the almost unimaginable
would never occur following the disarmament of New York when the Dodgers and
Giants left for the West Coast. We survived the near miss in 1985 when the
Yankees and Mets both threatened to reach the playoffs in the same season.
We survived last year when the Yankees easily whipped the Red Sox and the
Mets rallied to force a sixth game against Atlanta in the National League
playoffs.
The danger mounted yet again this summer before everyone breathed a sigh of
relief in September when things finally started looking up. The Yankees lost
their final seven games and 12 of their final 15. The Mets finished in
second place and lost the first game of their Division Series with the Giants. "Cats" closed.
But the Doomsday Clock has never been as close to midnight as it is right
now. The Mets guaranteed their spot in the World Series with Monday's
victory over the Cardinals and the Yankees need just a victory in Game 6 --
with El Duque on the mound, no less -- against Seattle to complete the
circuit and finalize the first all-New York City series since 1956.
Already, Hillary Clinton's advisors are debating whether the U.S. Senate
candidate should profess herself a lifelong Mets fan or a lifelong Yankees
fan.
While the rest of free world cowers in fear, New Yorkers prepare for the
final seal to be broken. There aren't enough chiropractors in the world to treat all the strains New
Yorkers will suffer from patting themselves on the back.
The tabloids were filled with Subway Series stories and headlines before the
Yankees-Mariners series even began, so just imagine what it will be like
should the Yankees advance. The media tsunami for a Subway Series will make
fans long for the restrained week leading up to the Super Bowl. Even as you
read this, Regis Philbin is lining up Jeffrey Maier as his very special
guest host for the week.
And the post-series fallout will be even worse, causing a nuclear winter
that could choke off all life on the planet, sort of like how Tim McCarver sucks all oxygen out of the Fox broadcast booth.
Are you ready for the David Justice guest appearance on "Friends"? The
Benny Agbayani beanie baby? Tell-all biographies from both Bobby J. and
Bobby M. Jones?
Oddly, the world's final hopes rely on a lifelong New Yorker, Mariners Game
6 starter John Halama, but this New Yorker is one fans can cheer. Born and
raised in Brooklyn, Halama says he only went to Shea Stadium once before
pitching there as a rookie and never went to Yankee Stadium before pitching
there with the Mariners.
Nor is he the only New Yorker enlisted to rescue humanity. Mariners
designated hitter Edgar Martinez, the team's dignified heart and soul, was
born in New York before being whisked away to the protection of Puerto Rico.
Alex Rodriguez, the best shortstop in baseball and soon to be the Mother of
All Free Agents, also was born in New York before growing up in Miami.
Manager Lou Piniella played, managed, general managed and broadcasted with
the Yankees.
It won't be easy -- the Yankees have never lost a postseason game when El
Duque took the mound -- but should the Mariners win Tuesday and again Wednesday, they will reach the World Series for the first time and earn the
undying gratitude of the species.
And should the Mariners lose? In that case, I suggest you liquidate your investment
portfolio, stock up the nonperishable foods and make sure you have a
deadbolt on the fallout shelter. It's going to be a long, miserable winter
of New York self-love, an offseason salvaged by only one thing.
At least Kathie Lee is off the air.
Jim Caple is the national baseball writer for the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, which has a web site at www.seattle-pi.com.
|
|
 | 
|
