Baseball is a game of signs -- steal home, no pepper games, "Welcome to the Metrodome -- former home of the Twins!" And next season, baseball welcomes a new sign over the entrance of the Texas Rangers' clubhouse -- "Warning: Contents under extreme pressure, highly combustible."
| John Rocker vs. Carl Everett |
| Category |
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John Rocker |
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Carl Everett |
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Advantage |
| We have them to blame for: |
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A shortage of D-cell batteries in Queens |
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Red Sox management being fitted for sneeze guards to deflect tirade spittle |
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Push |
| What they're thinking during the national anthem: |
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"Who let all the dang foreigners in?" |
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"Yelled at him, yelled at him, called his mom a ho, yelled at him ..." |
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Push |
| Don't believe it when they say: |
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"The 7-train is a glorious metaphor for the melting pot of democracy." |
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"We parted amicably." |
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Everett |
| What they would call their "buddy movie": |
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"Blown Save & Outburst!" |
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"Short Fuse & Head Butt!" |
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Everett. Rocker's doesn't roll off the tongue. |
| Court-ordered therapy: |
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Required to watch a "Queer as Folk" marathon |
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The Kyle Turley Anger Management Workshop |
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Push |
| Thinks "xenophobia" means: |
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A big, fancy word for the truth! |
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A musical instrument you strike with mallets |
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Everett, and book learnin'! |
| If they were superheroes: |
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Could manage a segregated golf club, but when belted by gamma rays, he turns into the "Incredible Hate." |
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Could fight crime with his amazing ability to flip-off evil |
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Everett -- Rocker was kicked out of the Super Friends when he asked Aquaman: "Whoa, whoa, whoa -- you're part fish?" |
| Hobbies: |
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Grinding his tongue on a sharpening stone |
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Reducing reporters to a puddle of tears |
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Push |
| And I'm quoting: |
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Hey, it's a short column -- just log on to racially insensitive remarks.com.org. |
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Called Dan Shaughnessy another writer's "curly-haired boyfriend." |
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Rocker |
| Just can't resist: |
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AC/DC concerts |
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Cursing in a clubhouse full of kids |
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Rocker -- doesn't "AC/DC" imply tolerance for alternative lifestyles? Hell's bells, baby ... |
| Favorite charities: |
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The Dan Issel Anti-Defamation League |
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Randy Moss' Winners Never Quit Club for Kids |
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Ummm ... ummm ... Push? |
| Thinking three moves ahead: |
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"I can always play for Marge Schott." |
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"How do you say 'Bite me' in Japanese?" |
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Everett |
| What if the Rangers' media guide were written like a Playmate profile: |
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Turn ons: Pat Robertson and Jerry FalwellTurn offs: Accents |
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Turn ons: Missing games and defiantly touching my swimsuit area!Turn offs: People |
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Push |
