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It's Bud's world, after all
By Jim Caple
No one thought commissioner Bud Selig's reputation could possibly sink any lower than it did after he canceled the World Series, but we underestimated the old used-car salesman. Turns out there isn't a limbo pole low enough that Selig can't slink under.
President Bud Selig used his first State of the Union address to announce that he is contracting America from 50 to 46 states. "While the state of the union is stronger than ever, we must also adapt to changing economic pressures in a shrinking world order," Selig said. "We can no longer condemn small market states to whither on the vine, doomed to finish last in all the Rand McNally and Fortune rankings." Selig refused to name which states will be contracted, but White House sources strongly indicate that Minnesota, Mississippi, Arkansas and both Dakotas are the most likely. Asked to comment on the speculated states, Selig replied, "They are where they are."
In his first move since taking over the Disney corporation from Michael Eisner, CEO Bud Selig announced that he is contracting the Magic Kingdom by at least two dozen characters.
Marshall Field's CEO Bud Selig announced the department store is contracting its famed annual Christmas display, reducing it to "The Nine Days of Christmas." "Sad? This isn't sad. Frankly, this is a move we should have made years ago," Selig told reporters. "Holiday shoppers had their chance to support the full 12 days of Christmas and chose not to. If we continue to tax the other days through revenue sharing, we'll soon be down to three gold rings and one turtle dove. My critics do not appreciate the financial drain to keep 10 lords a-leaping." While Selig declined to name which days would be contracted, the U.S. Dairy Association reacted aggressively by asking for a court injunction that would require the eight maids to continue a-milking in 2002. Selig leaves bigger holes in Krispy Kreme
One day after Krispy Kreme reported record profits during its third quarter, new CEO Bud Selig announced the details of the doughnut giant's controversial contraction plan. "We are reducing the size of a dozen doughnuts from 12 to 10," Selig said. "This is not a sad day for doughnut lovers but a necessary restructuring. No one eats the 11th and 12th doughnut, anyway. They are what they are. Rather than let these small-market doughnuts mold uneaten and forgotten in the corner of the box, we will simply contract them, thereby reducing our costs and strengthening the rest of our doughnuts. The nation will be leaner and healthier because of our bold move." Selig refused to reveal which doughnuts would be contracted, but they are believed to be the mushy one that has a thumbprint near the doughnut hole and the lopsided one that looks like someone already bit into it. Selig says he's out of Synch
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