There are very few moments when it is acceptable for grown men to cry in our culture. Cal Ripken Jr.'s retirement. Particularly well-produced United Way commercials. Accidentally downloading the Anna Kournikova virus instead of the new Anna Kournikova lingerie calendar.

	ABC's remake of "Brian's Song" airs Sunday night at 7 p.m. (6 p.m. CT).

And, of course, watching "Brian's Song," the ultimate tear-jerker for guys. Just hearing that familiar theme music would be enough to make even Osama bin Laden weep like a figure skater receiving her marks.

ABC airs a remake of the movie this Sunday, reintroducing the touching story of Gale Sayers and Brian Piccolo to a new generation of fans raised on free agency, nine-figure contracts, salary caps, fantasy leagues and Super Bowl MVPs who stood trial for murder.

But "Brian's Song" isn't the only classic sports movie being remade. Page 2 has uncovered several remakes of sports weepies currently in production:

"Pride of the Yankees"
Billy Crystal is directing an HBO version that updates the sad story of Lou Gehrig for the cynical, modern fan ...

[Lou Gehrig, as portrayed by Freddie Prinze Jr., walks slowly to the microphone near home plate at a sold out Yankee Stadium.]

	Lou Gehrig isn't quite so lucky in the remake of "Pride of the Yankees."

GEHRIG: Fans, for the past two weeks, you have been reading about the bad break I got. And it's true. Last winter, I signed a $252 million contract and now my agent says that the Yankees don't have to pay me because I can't play anymore. But that I still have to make my monthly $10,000 child support payments to my ex-wife and that woman I met in Cleveland and that other woman I met in Detroit. He also says I probably violated my parole when I got pulled over for a DWI last night. And to make matters worse, I can't get an analyst gig on "Baseball Tonight" because TV hasn't been invented yet.

If anyone has more problems than me, I'd like to meet him. Today, I consider myself the most screwed over person on the face of the Earth.

FANS CHANTING FROM RIGHT FIELD: ALS sucks! ALS sucks! ALS sucks!

"A League of Their Own"
Oprah's Harpo Productions is working on a new version of the 1992 comedy for the Oxygen channel ...

[Manager Jimmy Dugan, as portrayed by Dr. Phil, stands angrily in front of the dugout as outfielder Evelyn Gardner, as portrayed by Oprah, runs off the field.]

DUGAN: Evelyn, could you come here for a second? Which team do you play for?

EVELYN: Well, I'm a Peach.

	In the new "League of Their Own," there's plenty of crying in baseball.

DUGAN: Well, I was just wondering why you would throw home when we have a two-run lead! You let the tying run get on second base, and we lost the lead because of you! Start using your head! That's the lump that's three feet above your ass!

[Evelyn starts to cry.]

DUGAN: Are you crying? Are you crying? Are you crying? Because it's all right to cry. Particularly when you're in a relationship that's in trouble. Releasing your emotions is the first step to admitting that you have a problem and are ready to take responsibility to correct it. Crying can be very therapeutic and can help your partner realize there is a serious problem. So don't hide your emotions. Don't be afraid. Go ahead and cry.

EVELYN (weeping uncontrollably): Oh, thank you so much for understanding.

DUGAN: But you better hit the cutoff man next time, or I'm sending your ass to the minors.

"Rocky"
Rather than film yet another horrible sequel, Sylvester Stallone is working on a remake of his Academy Award winning original, updated to reflect the modern world of sports and boxing ...

	The new Rocky starts every day with a little creatine and andro.

[In a stirring three-minute montage, Rocky Balboa, as portrayed by Keanu Reeves, gets into shape for his big fight with his personal trainer, Mickey, as portrayed by Billy Blanks. Scene begins with sleepy-eyed Rocky waking up, cracking a half dozen eggs into a glass, then pouring them into a bowl for his dog, while he eats a healthy, low-cholesterol breakfast of skim milk, fruit and wheat germ. With music swelling, we see Rocky performing Tae-Bo, drinking creatine, ingesting andro, doping his blood, shooting up anabolic steroids and, in a moving climax, completing his 100-floor goal on the Stairmaster at the local club.

[Scene ends with an impressed Mickey staring at Rocky as he shoots a syringe the size of a summer sausage into his rear.]

ROCKY: Woooohhhh ...

MICKEY: You're gonna crap thunder.

[The night before his big fight, Rocky reveals his inner fears to Adrian, as portrayed by Christine Ricci.]

ROCKY: I can't beat Apollo.

ADRIAN: So what are you going to do?

	"You're gonna crap Thunder, Rock!"

ROCKY: I can't beat him, but that don't bother me. The only thing I want to do is go the distance. Just go the distance and bite his ear off. Just go the distance and bite his ear off and eat his children.

[The big fight. Apollo Creed, as portrayed by Wesley Snipes, is already in the ring. Rocky walks to the ring wearing a satin robe that reads, "Petworks.com," and is accompanied by Mickey and Adrian's brother, Paulie, as portrayed by Anthony Hopkins.

As the two fighters gather in the ring, three state troopers climb over the ropes and slap handcuffs on Rocky.]

TROOPER: Rocky Balboa, you are under arrest on charges of sexual assault.

CREED: Ain't going to be no rematch.

[Theme music swells and end credits roll.]

Jim Caple is a senior writer for Page 2.