Is there anything better than listening to the exchanges when NFL Films or ESPN sticks a microphone on a player during a game? The taunting, cajoling, grunting and whining makes us feel like we're right there on the field -- inside the mind of an NFL player. But here at Page 2, we knew it was going to take a little something extra to get inside the confused mind of Oakland's Sebastian Janikowski. And besides, nobody talks to kickers -- especially kickers with charges pending.

But thanks to some special technology, we managed to wire Janikowski's inner voice -- we had some competition from local law enforcement -- for the Raiders' Monday Night Football game against the Broncos. And while we forgot that Janikowski's inner monologue would be in Polish, a quick sweep of the local restaurant scene uncovered a helpful waitress/translator from Gdansk. Here are some of the highlights from Monday's game.

	"It's easy when you're just aiming for a couple of bars."

Game Situation: Raiders win coin toss and elect to receive
"Whew, that's a lucky break. No way I could kick off right now. These 7 p.m. local starts are rough, but what am I going to do? Happy hour is happy hour."

Game Situation: Broncos take 7-0 lead
"Man, I wish Jason Elam hadn't signed that five-year extension in February. I'd sign on here in a heartbeat and be kicking 65-yard field goals for the next decade. Not to mention those studies on what altitude does to the metabolization of Gamma Hydroxy Butyrate in the blood. Talk about living the high life."

Game Situation: Broncos take 14-0 lead
"All right, no problem, we're still in this game. It's like when you're out drinking on a Saturday night and the bouncers throw you out of a place for smashing a few tables and asking the owner's wife if there's a "champagne" room. We can't just sit on the curb, moping around and waiting for the police to come and see if anyone wants to file charges. We've got to pick ourselves up, stumble blindly down an alley, take a whiz on the garbage, shout some obscenities at people while tearing mirrors off cars, and then move on to the next bar. Crap, there goes my train of thought -- what was I thinking about?"

Game Situation: Still first quarter, and Broncos take 21-0 lead
"So anyway, I wonder what's up with Gen. Wesley Clark entering the presidential race? I mean, his background obviously plays well with foreign policy and ought to make him a favorite of the conservative wing of the Democratic party, and that's going to hurt John Kerry. But it's not like NATO's policy while he was in command was exactly a bulwark of effective post-Cold War social doctrine. I mean, if he had just taken the time to read some of the source material on the Balkan resistance, he probably could have liquidated Slobodon Milosevic without nearly the cost. Can he really hold up to the media scrutiny when they start asking questions about his ... hey, is that cheerleader looking at me? I know she's not looking at Shane Lechler. She is looking at me -- I wonder if she'd like a spiked Gatorade."

Game Situation: Mike Anderson replaces an injured Clinton Portis
"How is Shanahan going to explain this one? Portis needed a bathroom break? Emergency jury duty? The Broncos are in so tight with the league, Shanahan gets away with anything. I can't believe they didn't at least fine him for that whole Plummer thing. Really, what's the moral difference between lying about a guy's injured shoulder and bribing a police officer to get your buddy out of a patrol car? At least I wasn't being self-serving. After all, it's not like I was the one under arrest -- that time. And you'd better believe Tagliabue would have been all over me if I had been sober enough on Saturday night to try and bribe anyone."

Game Situation: Broncos take 24-0 lead late in second quarter
"It's never good when we're down by a bigger number than I can blow on the breathalyzer. At this rate, fans are going to start lobbying Al to bring back Joe Bugel and Jeff George. Coach is going to be pissed at halftime. I wonder if I should go chill in the training room with Romo while he 'rejuvenates' for the second half."

Game Situation: Janikowski's second-half kickoff goes for a touchback
"I'll never forget the advice John Daly gave me at that celebrity golf tournament. It turned my career around. 'Sea Bass,' he said, 'just hit the one in the middle.' Works every time."

Game Situation: Raiders score to make it 31-7 in the third quarter
"How do people up here live with this dry air? It's murder on my pores. And those bastards at the police station ciaphed my loofah. You just don't ciaph a bald man's loofah -- this is going to qualify as an exfoliation crisis. And between the hangover and our early flight, I'm not going to have time to get to Bath and Body Works until we're back in Oakland. Maybe I should just skip going out tonight and take a bubble bath."

Game Situation: Janikowski kicks 41-yard field goal to make it 31-10
"Clearly, I'm not the problem here. If the team would just follow my lead more often -- or at least bail me out a little more quickly -- we'd get this mess turned around. Maybe it would help if I started celebrating like a Gramatica -- seemed to work for Tampa Bay in the Super Bowl last year."

Game Situation: Jake Plummer runs out the clock
"Tough loss, tough loss. Let's see, it's 10:30 now, and last call in Denver is 1:30 -- figure an hour to get through the post-game and another 15 minutes to get to the bar. Looks like it's shots tonight."

Graham Hays writes "Out of the Box," the inside scoop on yesterday's box scores for ESPN Fantasy Games.