Use the following time-tested and PR-approved apology techniques to get out of any sticky situation -- from slander to slush money. You'll learn the ins-and-outs of apologizing just like your favorite collegiate and professional athletes do.

The Kellen Winslow Method, Part One: Expressing Regret

The Apology: "After speaking with the press, I immediately regretted my comments and felt embarrassed for my family, my team, the University of Miami, our fans, alumni and myself."

	Miami's Kellen Winslow Jr. says he has learned from his mistakes -- a key admission.

How It Works: It's critical to express embarrassment on behalf of your team, company, wife, kids, aunt, uncle, dry cleaner. Tears are helpful as well, but not required (see Dick Vermeil).

The Kellen Winslow Method, Part Two: The Learning Experience

The Apology: "What I have learned from this experience is to take my triumphs and failures in stride. My outburst should in no shape or form be a reflection on this institution or the Miami football program."

How It Works: Try to express the fact that every irresponsible and damaging thing you've ever done is simply a learning experience, like homework. And most importantly, you'll need to absolve your employer (in this case, Miami football) of any responsibility for your embarrassing actions.

The Jeremy Shockey Method: The Blanket Pseudo-Apology

The Apology: "I guess I do regret saying it. I didn't think anyone was going to make a big deal out of it. I'm not prejudiced against anybody's beliefs or what they do in their off time. I do regret saying something like that. Whatever I did to offend people, I apologize."

How It Works: The blanket pseudo-apology gets you off the public hook without actually making a pride-killing apology. Also, the blanket, 'whatever I did to offend anybody' statement clears you of any further responsibility.

The Mike Price Method: The Stripper Apology

The Apology: "Over the past several days, I have been saddened by the rumors that have been swirling about my conduct. I have had numerous truthful and honest discussions with the president and our athletic director, Mal Moore -- our fine athletic director, Mal Moore, who has dedicated many, many years of service to this university and I was proud to have been picked by him."

How It Works: The key here is to gratuitously compliment the people who hold your job in their hands. Also, it is important to shift the blame to everyone else by expressing "sadness" over the rumors that you helped create.

	Pete Rose refused to apologize when interviewed by Jim Gray.

The Rasheed Wallace/Damon Stoudamire Method: The Coach Apology

The Apology: "They're deeply sorry for what happened, as we all are."

How It Works: Why apologize yourself when you can get your coach (in this case, Maurice Cheeks), who likely makes a pittance compared to you, do it for you?

The Pete Rose Method: The Non-Apology

The Apology: "No, no, Jim, not at all. I'm not going to admit to something that didn't happen. I know you get tired of hearing me say that, but I appreciate the ovation. I appreciate the American fans voting me on that All-Century team. I'm just a small part of a big deal tonight."

How It Works: Rose uses a technique that we like to call "not apologizing at all." And then he takes special care to turn the conversation back around to the love we all feel for him. This method might keep you out of baseball, but it will land you plenty of opportunities to sit at card shows in cities like Bettendorf, IA, where you can sign your autograph.

The Larry Eustachy Method: The Co-ed Apology

The Apology: "With the support of my family and friends, I will do everything in my power to make sure my actions reflect highly upon this university and this state."

How It Works: ... and the state of Kansas, as well, where the girls are "hotter." Eustachy was fired six days later.

The Chris McAlister Method: The Ongoing Apology

The Apology: "I've already apologized and am still apologizing to a lot of my teammates for what happened last weekend. Billick hit it this weekend, he hit it [yesterday] with the media, and my teammates have talked about it. It's something that we're moving forward, going past."

How It Works: When in doubt, keep apologizing. And talk about how important it is to "move forward" and "put this behind you."

The Allen Iverson Method: The Legalese/Promotional Apology

The Apology: "If individuals of the gay community and women of the world are offended by any of the material in my upcoming album, let the record show that I wish to extend a profound apology."

How It Works: While apologizing, take special care to mention your upcoming album, book or movie. Make the media work for you. And remember, going on record now saves a lot of heartache later.

	Sometimes you can apologize and promote your new album at the same time.

The Jimmy Swaggart Method: The Media Appreciation Apology

The Apology: "And I also want to express appreciation to the entire media everywhere, but especially here in Baton Rouge -- Channels 9, 2, and 33, the newspapers, the radio stations. They've been hard, but they have been fair."

How It Works: ... and you'll find a nice buffet available in the press room at no charge. Best to add tears to this apology.

Instructions: Using one phrase from each group listed below, craft your own professional athlete apology for personal use.

Group 1:

- I would like to apologize first and foremost to my fans.

- I would like to apologize to my teammates and absolve my team of any responsibility.

- I would like to apologize to alumni of this fine institution of higher learning.

- I would like to apologize to my family.

Group 2:

- The drugs were not mine, but I still take full responsibility for my actions.

- It was not my intention to physically assault ________.

- I truly do not know how the roughly $15,000 of stereo equipment got into my vehicle.

Group 3:

- The most important thing now is to put this issue behind us.

- We need to move forward as a team, starting right now.

- It's now time to focus on winning.

Example: I would like to apologize first and foremost to my fans. The drugs were not mine, but I still take full responsibility for my actions. The most important thing now is to put this issue behind us.