NEW YORK -- Forget coaching controversy: The catchphrase out of the Dallas Cowboys' camp is "cloning controversy" -- and it makes that stuff about that weird cult from Friday seem like pure science fiction.

	If you can't beat him or sign Bill Parcells, then clone him.

In a move that will surely stun the football and medical worlds, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced that during the team's 20-10 loss to rival Washington on Sunday, Cowboys trainers successfully cloned legendary coach Bill Parcells.

"The Cowboys organization is proud to announce this cloning of a head coach of the finest reputation," Jones said. "We absolutely believe that this carbon-copy -- genetically as good as the original -- can lead this once-proud franchise back to its Super Bowl glory.

"Instead of hooking ourselves 'The Big Tuna,' we went out and got 'The Big Clone-a.'"

The cloning comes on the heels of widely publicized "secret" meetings between Jones and Parcells. Many observers thought Jones was courting the two-time Super Bowl championship coach into returning to the game.

"Negotiations were going nowhere," Jones said. "I heard about this Clonaid-cult thing and I got a bright idea: Why buy the cow when I can have the clone for free?"

Following the most recent meeting, Jones was seen donning rubber gloves and putting Parcells' salad fork into a baggie, then grinning slyly to a nearby camera for an upcoming "all-access" cable series about the team.

"We should have known Jerry was up to something," said one rival owner, who asked to remain anonymous. "When HBO asked me to star in 'Hard Knock-Ups: The Cloneboys,' I took a pass. Good thing I got my coach the old-fashioned way: I lured him from a top college program!"

When asked for comment, Parcells was ambivalent: "Sure, I would maybe have been interested in that job. But I never asked about it, and Jerry never made me an offer. And I'm not in a position to speculate on what 'might' happen or what 'could' happen.

		Several sources around the league said that teams expressing interest in doing a deal for Parcells clone-coaches include the Bears, Seahawks, Bengals and Giants.

"I am, however, in negotiations to offer a much choicer DNA sample to several teams, who I am not at liberty to discuss right now."

Several sources around the league said that teams expressing interest in doing a deal for Parcells clone-coaches include the Bears, Seahawks, Bengals and Giants.

"I would love for my clone to return to the Giants, though I have nothing but respect for the job Jim Fassel has done there in the last 48 hours. I understand coaching legacies that are made or broken on the foot of another team's choking kicker."

Skeptics came forward when the news was announced:

"The NFL is years away from actual cloning," the league source said. "Besides, it would take the freakish Parcells clone baby 60 years -- not to mention impossible-to-replicate Super Bowl experience -- to be ready to lead the Cowboys.

"On the other hand, it might take the team that long to right itself without him."

Jones countered: "Aw, shoot: Even a Parcells embryo could coach circles around [the guy we used to have]. In the meantime, we'll bring in Norv Turner to keep the seat warm."

	Once considered a rare talent, Michael Vick might soon be a common sight around the NFL.

Medical ethicists were torn between the competing ideas of "team-owners playing God," according to one unnamed dean of a prominent East Coast medical school, and "... Oh, wait a sec ... they already think they are God!

"Plus," she continued, "I mean, if you can't use cloning to do some good for your favorite sports team, when can you use it? I personally wonder if my Celtics might think about stealing Michael Jordan's toothbrush the next time he's in town."

Sports-business experts quickly went on record that the cloning could be a bonanza for the 'Boys. According to one source, "Clon-Ade" brand thirst-quencher has already signed a sponsorship to be the Dallas sideline sports drink in the 2003 season.

In a related, as-yet-unconfirmed report out of Atlanta, a man witnesses claim looked like embattled Jacksonville Jaguars coach Tom Coughlin was seen rummaging through the garbage Dumpster outside of Michael Vick's condominium looking for the dental floss that some analysts say could hold the DNA key to his coaching survival.

"Just one Vick ... that's all I need!" Coughlin was heard muttering. "It's not my fault ... it's not me ... You'll see. All I gotta have is a Vick ... or two."

Dan Shanoff is a columnist for Page 2.