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You thought matching wits with that sharp shrew was a losing battle. The Web has its own hopeless cases. While they tilt at windmills, we'll pray for a Walk of Shame in cyberspace.

Get Shoeless Joe in the Hall
"A" for Aspiration: For $15, you get a poster that reads: "If he was guilty of anything, it was playing his heart out."
"F" for Futility: Webmaster claims he heard voices saying, "Build it and they will come." Ease our pain.

Save the Expos
"A" for Aspiration: What is it with Canadians and Labatt's? These guys make a case for a new park sponsored by the sudsmaker.
"F" for Futility: While you're at it, why not conquer Vermont?

Remove David Stern
"A" for Aspiration: Well, it's about time someone exposed the commish's hidden agenda against the Knicks.
"F" for Futility: Hard to take the petition seriously, with those dollar signs scrawled on Stern (not to mention the devil horns on ex-crony Rod Thorn).

Abolish the DH
"A" for Aspiration: Links to arguments pro and con from baseball pundits ... and a "right down the middle" take from some guy named Darkhawk.
"F" for Futility: This debate is older than Harold Baines, and moves about as swiftly.

by Eric Adelson

The Brooklyn Cyclones
One lost cause has suddenly been found: baseball in Brooklyn. So let's give a warm welcome to the Brooklyn Cyclones, a Mets Class A farm team named for the rickety roller coaster that careens not far from home plate in Coney Island's Astroland. Baseball-starved Brooklynites are already flooding with local flavor. Click on Brooklyn Baseball Memories to find wistful sentiments from Louie, Dino and Solly So-and-so: "I used to grab a Mrs. Stahl's Knish in Brighton, go to the beach and roll in the sand singing Neil Sedaka songs." Ah, those were the days. And here's to new rivalries: "I JUST WHANT TO LET UZ ALL NOE THAT THE STATEN ISLAND YANKEES ARE GOING TO BEAT THE BROOKLYN CYCLONES." No, you just don't know what you've got 'til it comes back.

This article appears in the May 14 issue of ESPN The Magazine.

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