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Part 4: Mr. Manners

Page 2

Mr. Manners with Bob Brenly
Dear Mr. Manners:
An opponent recently had a perfect game going in the eighth inning when the dumbass rookie batting ahead of me laid down a bunt for an infield single. So naturally, they beaned me the next at-bat and now I'm on the disabled list with a broken jaw for the next six weeks and probably won't meet my contract incentives. My problem is this same rookie who bunted for a single recently invited me to his wedding and I don't know what to get them. Any suggestions?
Outs of Bounds in Nebraska

Bob Brenly
Bob Brenly
Gentle reader:
I don't know what the game is coming to. All I can say is that when I was a player, we could quote the unwritten rules chapter and verse. But kids today? They don't know and they don't care. If I were you, I'd rip up all the rookie's clothes and make him go on the team flight wearing women's clothing. That might teach him a lesson.

As for the wedding, candlesticks are always nice.

Dear Mr. Manners:
Our opponent recently stole a base with a six-run lead in the eighth inning and our manager told me to bean the next batter in retaliation. I did and sent him to the hospital with a concussion and a busted nose. What type of flowers are appropriate to send in a sympathy bouquet?

Gentle reader:
Why the hell are you sending flowers? They're the ones who broke one of baseball's cardinal unwritten rules. If anything, that punk should call you up and apologize. If he doesn't, I'd stick another one in his ear the next time you face him.

But daisies and tulips are nice room fresheners and won't wilt if you cut the stems right away and keep them in ice water.

Dear Mr. Manners:
My team has a winning streak going and one of my teammates refuses to change his uniform -- including his socks and underwear -- shower, wear deodorant or brush his teeth until the streak is over. Seeing as how we've won 15 games in a row, he's beginning to really stink. Is there a subtle way you recommend of hinting that he needs to take a shower?

Gentle reader:
Clearly, you are a stupid young kid who doesn't know the first thing about baseball etiquette. Your teammate is doing exactly what he should -- you never, ever mess with a streak. He's probably too focused on the team to even notice he stinks and if you're lucky to last in this game as long as I have, you and your sensitive nostrils will learn that nothing smells as sweet as winning.

But a bar of soap in his locker will send a clear message without an embarrassing confrontation.

Jim Caple is a senior writer for

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