Welcome, everyone!

Thank you all for coming. I'll be your host for tonight's show, the one-time-only I'm Not Just an Athlete -- I'm an Entertainer! Awards presentation, here at The Staples Center in glamorous Los Angeles. We're here because the powers-that-be in this town wouldn't make the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion available, as if the idea of honoring the top actor-athletes in the same place as they hold the Academy Awards was offensive. So, here we are in Shaq's place, rent-free, in exchange for the promise that we'll nominate him for at least one Oscar.

	Your special musical guest for tonight's show will be ... sure, Shaquille O'Neal.

Hey, everything in life is a negotiation.

Now, we don't actually determine the winners in each category. That's up to you, whom we'll ask to vote in a series of online polls. We're all about real-time, democracy-based awards here at the Motion Picture Society of Sweaty People, unlike the Academy Awards, whose winners are determined by a super-secret panel of ascot-wearing chimps who drink brandy. We know this because only chimps could have kept Dr. J's "The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh" from an Oscar in '79.

The Hollywood artistes are too proud to ever honor an athlete with an acting award, and that's why we're forced to give out our own Oscars -- named after Oscar Madison, that toughest of sports critics. There were a lot of fine performances to consider over the past 80 or so years, but we've narrowed the list to the several best in each category for you to choose from.

So put down those nachos with real imitation cheese for a few minutes, grab your mouse, and help us determine the finest thespian efforts in the history of modern American sports.

The categories:

Best Action Hero

Best Performance by an Athlete Playing Himself

Best Performance by an Athlete Playing Something Like Himself

Best Performance by a Seven-Footer

Lifetime Achievement by an Athlete Who Became Better Known for His Acting

Tom Farrey is a senior writer for ESPN.com. He can be reached at tom.farrey@espn.com.