How does he not love the Cubbies? Let Sammy Sosa count the ways.

What the heck was Sammy Sosa thinking when he said he wouldn't fly on the Cubs' team charter anymore, complained about all the club's day games, bitched about how difficult it is to get up at 8 a.m. every day and threatened to leave the team when his contract expires if the Cubs don't improve?

A. "Ken Griffey Jr. is The Whiner in the United States, I am The Whiner in the Dominican Republic."

B. "I'm totally not on steroids. If I were, I'd be overly moody and aggressive."

C. "And they won't even let us take naps during games!"

D. "If I hear one more coal miner complain about almost dying...."

E. "Those are only the 67th, 68th and 69th biggest reasons I'd love to be off this team, but they're still worth mentioning."

F. "This is all off the record, right, Mr. Reilly?"