ROME IS BURNINGIt was March 27th when given a choice between leaving the game with his dignity intact or going to the Arizona Cardinals, Emmitt Smith chose the latter. Unfortunately, that ranks right up there with Johnny U. stumbling around the Chargers backfield, and Willie Mays misjudging fly balls in center with the Mets. Could this really have gone any other way? Emmitt, I know you have made a career of proving people wrong and making people who doubt you look bad, but this looks really bad. You had a chance to retire as the game's all time leading rusher. Instead, you're going to leave the game as a backup on the Arizona Cardinals. I'm just going to pretend it never happened.
Rising, Mo Vaughn of the New York Mets. Not so much for his play between the lines but rather for his upset win on the reality tv series American Idol. I had no idea that Ruben Studdard, errr, Mo had those kinds of pipes. The former MVP of the American league and the Idol champ?! That's a record that is never coming down.
Falling, William 'the Refridgerator' Perry. Talk about going into the tank. How does a hall of fame eater like the Fridge get rolled up during the 4th of July hot dog eating contest? One thing to be taken to the woodshed by a 120 pound hot dog eating freak like Taku Kobayashi, but your 4 dog effort was deplorable. Kobayshi killed 44 dogs in 12 minutes and the best you could do is 4? William, you should be ashamed of yourself. Kobayshi, you should really be ashamed of yourself.
Rising, Raphael Palmeiro. Of course this guy is rising with all the Viagra he has coursing through his veins, it will be years before he experiences any sort of fall. My man, you should not be throwing back little blue miracles like they're Tic-Tacs. Oh and congratulations on hitting homerun number 500. Just don't try to convince me that that alone should put you in the Hall of Fame, because it shouldn't…homeruns don't mean what they used to and 500 shouldn't guarantee automatic entry anymore
Rising, Roy of Sigfried and Roy fame. Mauled by a tiger during his Vegas stage act, lived to talk about and is now on the comeback trail. Man! Of course, you have to love Siegfried telling anyone who will listen that Montecore the tiger wasn't trying to kill Roy, he was trying to help him. How, by ripping his throat out? Trying to help him? Either that or he got tired of getting smacked in the nose with a microphone and decided to even the score. One or the other. Montecore 1, Roy 0.
In what was easily the most bizarre story of the year, broadway producer and all around freak David Gest divorced his wife Liza Minelli on grounds that she would knock him around. Dude, I know you're not the hardest guy ever, but you are a man, and she is Liza Minelli. I don't think you want to be telling people that you can't handle a pill popping, booze guzzling, show tune singing, 57-year old woman. And what a shock that this marriage didn't last. Just because she is a bloated recovering addict and you're, well, you're whatever you are, doesn't mean it couldn't work. So she bounced a few gin bottles off your dome and tried to rip your hair plugs out, get over it. Who doesn't have a few problems in their marriage. You got beaten up by Liza Minelli? You might want to keep that to yourself, Gest.