ROME IS BURNING
You'd probably rather rip your own ears off than hear another word about Sammy Sosa. I get that. Well, here are my thoughts anyway. I didn't know I brought my corked batting practice stick to the plate has to rank with the greatest lies of all time, right there with the check is in the mail and I never had sexual relations with that woman. Mlb'ers' know everything about their gear. They separate their gamers from their b.p. bats and even if he did pull the wrong one out of the rack, he would have figured it out long before he got to the plate. And no, I don't care that all his other bats x-rayed clean. One, how do I know that's true? Two, how do I know that they didn't pull any out of the bag before giving up the rest. And finally, everyone saying the bats x-rayed clean has a vested interest in those bats coming back clean. Look, I can forgive the guy for cheating, but not for insulting my intelligence with that ridiculous story/ what he should have said was, "I'm sorry I did it, I was looking for a little edge, it was stupid, I regret it, I'll never do it again." But don't try to con me with some lame story about a B.P. bat and wanting to do it for the fans. I'm not buying it and neither is anyone else with a brain.

Possibly, the worst idea of the year goes to scrub golfer john riegger who challenged annika sorenstam to a $1m dollar match after hearing Sorenstam say she could finish in the top 100 on the PGA tour if she played 30 events. Reigger, an absolute nobody, who has never finished in the top 140 knows he doesn't have the game to beat dudes, so he's looking to get rich and famous this way. Weak. If I'm Annika i don't even dignify a challenge that ridiculous. Another problem, reegs, she already has her millions in the bank: unlike you, she doesn't need a ridiculous publicity stunt like this to get paid. What a circus. If you want to make some money, go to the driving range and beat some balls. If you can't hack it with the fellas, go be a club pro and rent clubs to 25 handicappers.

Not a good time to be Lee Trevino. He was boat raced by an amateur, 5 and 4, in the very cheesy 'people v. The pro's' made for TV event. Trevino, a guy with 6 majors, was rolled by a 50-year old, 10 handicapper. Hey everyone, come out and see a hall of fame get beat down by someone you have never heard of. If I want to see a mid-handicapper play golf, I'll go right down the street. I don't need to see it on TV.

And while it may not have been the best week to be lee Trevino, I would still rather be him than Martha Stewart. The queen of domesticity, was indicted on 9 federal charges regarding the illegal sale of some stock. That's brilliant. You're worth hundreds of million dollars, why not try and scam a few hundred grrr illegally on the side? Well, look at the bright side: if she is convicted, she can teach her fellow inmates how to make a ship out of old toothbrushes. And that's a very good thing.

And of course, there is Ruben Rivera. Another in the long line of can't miss prospects, who missed. Badly. You remember, rube, a five tool guy, who came up through the Yankee system; who was going to be one of the greatest ever in pinstripes. Last he was seen, he was running the giants out of an inning and a game, with perhaps the worst bit of base running in the history of the game. I thought his manager Felipe Alou was going to throw up in the dugout. Rivera was cut shortly thereafter. And rightfully so.

In baseball: if John Smoltz isn't the best reliever in baseball, then it is LA Dodger Eric Gagne. I'm not kidding, watching this guy late last week against Kansas City gave me actual goose bumps. I saw big leaguers stepping into the bucket like little leaguers, interested only in getting back to the bench as quickly as possible. This guys was like 97, 97, hammer, next. 97, 97, change, you're done. This guy is flat out filthy.

Thanks to Marth Burk, lead neck Hootie Johnson has decided the masters will run commercial free again in 04. When Burk threatened to target sponsors of the telecast, the hoot simply ripped the commercials. Thank you very much Martha. While you're at it why don't you see what you can do about ripping the commercials from the World Series and super bowl as well. Do that, and those same people who are calling you a pub hound will be calling you sportsperson of the year.

Lastly, further proof that I just don't get the passion and creativity of soccer or evidence that soccer player and soccer fan takes himself way too seriously, soccer star, at least I'm told he's one, David Beckham got all bent out shape recently when he and his former spice girl wife asked a Beverly Hills shoe store owner to close the store so they could shop. The owner, a smart guy, said he had no idea who Beckham was and refused. When Beckham said he and his wife were a big deal in England, the owner smacked him again saying, you're not there, you're here, and I've never heard of you, the store stays open. Becknaldo is a beauty: imagine this guy rolling into store in Beverly Hills and saying, "Becknaldo and his wife are here, lock the doors, we need some socks. . I don't know how to break this to you, Becknaldo: but you're a soccer player: unless your name is Alexi Meola-Chasti-Donna-Hamm, no one in this country is going to know who you are or care, much less close a store for you. If you want to be treated like John Lennon, you're going to have to stay home.

ARCHIVES
Tiki Barber, Brian Kelly