Dear Coach: As a Giraffe dad -- I won't name my daughter (or myself) because this isn't about her, it's about all the kids -- I've been to all six of our soccer games, and taken the liberty of jotting some notes after each contest. These run about 300 typewritten, single-spaced pages, but for your convenience I've boiled them down to some bullet points. I sincerely believe that if you take what I've written to heart, our last three games will go a lot better than the first six.

Goalkeepers
I'm assuming you've told them they can use their hands? Just wondering. The different-colored shirt also seems to be a distraction. I've often observed them staring at their arms in wonder, as if wearing green (instead of yellow like the rest of the girls) has some mysterious property they can unlock if they concentrate hard enough.

I hate to single out one of our talented young goalies, but Madison's attempts at punting must be curtailed at once. The first time she looped one back over her head against the Pixies into her own goal? That was amusing. The next five times? Not so much. Here's a thought: When punting, have her face her own goal.

I understand that you've been calculating their goals-against averages on a per-half basis because the girls usually take turns in net by halves, resulting in these numbers:
4.6: Madison
4.8: Meghan
5.0: Mactavish
5.5: Megan
6.0: Macdonnagh

It's time to stop sugarcoating reality for these girls, Coach. These are the real numbers:
9.2: Madison
9.6: Meghan
10.0: Mactavish
11.0: Megan
12.0: Macdonnagh

There's much to be said about getting Megan's lack of mobility into a more sedentary position (I saw her at the buffet place after last week's game, and she was making the owner cry), but Madison is a stone wall out there -- relatively speaking.

Offense
I'm assuming you told them they can't use their hands. I've done some calculations, and concluded that a team's chance of scoring is just 1.3 percent if the ball is not dribbled past midfield. At this age, our girls simply can't generate the leg power necessary to drive the ball half the length of the field past the other team's goalie. With that in mind, we need to cross midfield more than once a half, as we did against the Raccoons and the Smurfs. (By the way, I'm checking into the Smurfs' name. If they're in violation of trademark law, we might get that 9-1 loss turned into a forfeit win. Here's hoping!)

I took the liberty of installing a pedometer on M'kela during our loss to the Kittens. She ran 1.4 miles without touching the ball. Considering she's our striker, this is problematic, at best.

Defense
The pressure on our defense is immense. The ball is in our half of the field 97.32 percent of the time, and 87.4 percent of all struck balls go in the general direction of the net we're defending (that number jumped to 95.1 percent in our 13-0 loss to the Bumblebees).

While everybody shares responsibility for what's happening, somebody must be made an example of. Based on my figures, that player should be Macintosh. "Toshi" has been on defense for a disproportionate 83 percent of the other teams' goals while playing only 52 percent of the time. My advice is to cut her: publicly, loudly and with malicious aforethought. Midpractice would be best. The rest of the team will get the message and take it up a setting or two on the old intensity meter.

Our two goals: How they happened, and what we can do to make them happen again
No. 1: Madri's goal against the Raccoons was a foundation on which the future of the Giraffes can be built. I've spent a considerable amount of time watching it, and with my recently purchased Telestrator I'd love to point out some things to you. It's clear to me now that the appearance of an ice-cream truck in the sightline of the Raccoons' defenders caused them to momentarily let down their guard. If Giraffe parents can provide other such distractions, our chances of scoring will improve greatly.

No. 2: My repeated viewings of Maria's throw-in goal against the Smurfs revealed that it came against a net abandoned by a keeper more concerned with swarming wasps than preserving her shutout. While she was screaming and flailing about, Maria's toss rolled right in. (Question: Is "America's Funniest Home Videos" still on the air?) If Maria hadn't tossed her last 18 throw-ins directly to opponents, I would have sworn she chucked it into the goal on purpose. Need I put into writing how this chance encounter with flying insects might be turned into more scoring opportunities for the Giraffes?

Intangibles
Our biggest problem is that the girls don't fear losing. Other than the loss itself, they seem unaffected. This must change if the Giraffes are to get something out of what's left of the season. I've investigated the favorite things of various Giraffe players, and all losses should result in the suspension of the use of these items or activities:
Madri: Barbies
Meghan: Bratz dolls
Megan: EZ Bake Oven
M'kela: Skitters the Poodle
Mackenzie: video games (esp. Mortal Kombat 7)
Macdonnagh: SpongeBob
Maria: playing dress-up with best friend

Deprivation and reward: simple and effective. Win and you get to play with the puppy. Lose, and you don't.

SOS -- Save Our Season
I've taken it upon myself to scout our last three opponents (no need to worry about them knowing, I've worn different disguises each time) and here are my notes:

Bunnies (disguise: clumsy butterfly collector): Weak in the middle. Bad on transitions. Take out striker early with gang tackle.

Chipmunks (disguise: wayward archeologist): No speed up front. Slow on restarts. Cry easily (must exploit that!). Top defender allergic to peanuts.

Hummingbirds (disguise: disaffected mailman): Goalie has weak arm. Most of roster is from orphanage. Tell Giraffes to remind H'birds our girls have parents and they don't. Watch them crumble.

While the ship has sailed on the U-6 championship, we've got three games left to wreck the hopes and dreams of other teams. That's a goal worth working for!

Yours truly,

A Dad

Jim Baker is a contributor to Page 2 and also writes for Baseball Prospectus. You can e-mail Jim at bottlebat@gmail.com.