Ahh, the Opening Ceremonies. Color, pageantry, music, flags, pride, brotherhood, sisterhood, aunt-hood, uncle-hood and the silliest national costumes you'll ever want to see.
It's the parade of athletes at the Olympic Games, a veritable potpourri of goofy get-ups and symbolic flag-bearers. This year in Athens, the organizers even hired an international DJ named Tiesto to spin tunes while the world's Olympians make their way into the main stadium. (What, they're saving Yanni for the Closing Ceremonies?)
Oh, it's majestic and moving. You can always count on that.
But you can also count on Page 2 to make it better. (You knew that, right?)
Here's the way we see the parade of athletes, in alphabetical order with the host nation bringing up the rear just like the big kids do ...
Australia
Flag Bearer: Ollie, Syd and Millie. Might help eBay sales of the remaining 15,000 plush dolls of the mascots from the 2000 Summer Olympics in Athens
Theme Music: "Can't Get You Out of My Head" by Aussie native Kylie Minogue, but only if it's a live performance. Men at Work's "Land Down Under" is too cliched, and security officials put the kibosh on Midnight Oil's "Beds are Burning."
Uniform: Aussie athletes seem to have a proclivity for taking off their clothes, so graduation-style robes are in order. What they choose to wear under the robes will be left to their own distinctly Aussie sense of exhibitionism.
Extras: As they march, members of Australia's fencing team act out the knife scene from "Crocodile Dundee."
Austria
Flag Bearer: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Sure, California is the most populous state in the union, but it's not like ruling an entire country, is it?
Outfits: Very, very tiny shorts (and very, very tiny tops for the women).
Theme Music: "California Girls" by the Beach Boys, because every young Austrian lad wants to grow up and become a Hollywood star, where you can grope all the beautiful women and still be elected governor.
Extras: BALCO executives walk in place of Austrian Olympic officials. Athletes wipe shiny body oil all over each other as they walk down the track. Honorary team members Jason Giambi, Lou Ferrigno, Lee Haney, Barry Bonds and Marion Jones walk alongside.
Canada
Flag Bearer: Steve Nash, with Mavs owner Mark Cuban running after him yelling, "You know, if you were still on my team, I wouldn't be letting you do this!"
Theme Music: "O Canada" sung by Sarah McLachlan, quickly morphing into "Blame Canada" (from the "South Park" movie soundtrack) when the passive Canadians allow their P.A. system to be commandeered by those rascally Aussies.
Uniform: Going for the Bachelor/Bachelorette Party theme -- parkas and moon boots for the women; mountie uniforms for the men. (Wait: It's summer? In Canada, who noticed?)
Extras: Well, who cares if it's the SUMMER Olympics -- the hockey team is walking in this parade; Roots "newsboy" hats for everyone!; and where's Jamie Sale these days?
England
Flag Bearer: J.K. Rowling. Doesn't she own the whole country now?
Outfits: Thick, itchy, navy blue wool coats. Unbuttoned. But nothing underneath. A nod to the 19th century. A salute to the 21st.
Theme Music:"Look on the Bright Side of Life," by Eric Idle. It'll comfort the losers, and uplift all:
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
Extras: Mark Roberts, aka The Streaker, is asked to walk in with the British team. He is required to be naked. Nobody notices.
France
Flag Bearer: Julie Delpy. Because it's Page 2's ceremony.
Outfits: Cowboy boots, London Fog trenchcoats, hijabs and yarmulkes. Time for the French to make a real statement.
Theme Music: "Let's Call the Whole Thing Off." Cole Porter version. "For we know we need each other so we "Better call the whole thing off."
Extras: The team marches in to "La Marseillaise," the French national anthem. It almost immediately segues into "We Are the World."
Germany
Flag Bearer: Heidi Klum. What do you mean, "How is she related to sports?" How many other flag bearers have been on the cover of Sports Illustrated?
Theme Music: "Das Lied der Deutschen." If you think Germany's nation anthem is a staid choice, you've obviously never heard it sung by David Hasselhoff.
Outfits: As much as we love the thought of weightlifters in lederhosen, how about breaking free from Teutonic stereotypes with red, black and yellow Hawaiian shirts. Identical, perfectly-pressed, form-fitting Hawaiian shirts.
Extras: Have the German delegation "jokingly" try to claim the French delegation's place in line.
Ireland
Flag Bearer: Bono. He won't be intimidated by a large crowd. And he'll be the only flag bearer with shades on.
Outfits: Anything green.
Theme Music: "Whiskey in the Jar." "Whack for my Daddio, Whack for my Daddio, There's whiskey in the jar." 'Nuff said. Extras: Thousands of Irish citizens will descend upon Athens in protest, in the hopes of making "Guinness Consumption" an offical Olympic event.
Republic of Texas
Flag Bearer: Lance Armstrong, even though he won't be competing in Athens. The guy still has more Texas juice than an armadillo squashed under an SUV. Yee-ha.
Theme Music: "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" by Big & Rich, though in a nod to Texas' fine female athletes, perhaps shifting to Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman" halfway through.
Uniform: Cowboy hats, the garish U.S. parade accessory that never seems to go out of style (or is that "is always out of style, but never seems to go away?"); boots, naturally; and chaps -- leather chaps. Wouldn't be a Texas party without 'em.
Extras: The Texas flag flown above the U.S. flag (as so many Texans feel it should be); athletes can feel free to throw the "Hook 'Em, Horns" hand gesture out there (Texas A&M fans can feel free to flip 'em down, though that might start a premature preliminary of Greco-Roman-Texan rasslin'.)
Russia
Flag Bearer: Maria Sharapova. Who cares if she isn't actually competing in Athens?
Outfits: For the men, Boris; for the women, Natasha. Cold war stereotypes a reminder of a kinder, gentler geopolitical era.
Theme Music: "Send in the Clowns," a nod to Russia's diminished status as an Olympic power. You thought USA Basketball was bad? Team Ivan didn't even qualify. The inevitable outcome of cheering for Balboa at the end of "Rocky IV."
Extras: As Russians enter stadium, have crooked French judge hand them gold medals.
United States
Flag Bearer: President George W. Bush. Just so voters back home -- oops, we mean the freedom-loving peoples of the world -- know who protects them.
Outfits: Wrap-around Oakleys, navy flight suits, a big overhead banner reading "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED."
Theme music: The Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane."
Extras: Midway through the American march, switch the music to James Brown's "Living in America"; have Michael Phelps don Stars-and-Stripes boxers and an Uncle Same top hat while shadowboxing. Also, consider letting John Kerry hold the flag, too. The man's a patriot -- after all, he served in Vietnam. You probably didn't know that.
Uruguay
Flag Bearer: Michael Moore. Sure, he's not Uruguayan, but the country's small delegation needs some star power since it'll follow the United States athletes into the Olympic Stadium. And you know Moore would love the attention.
Theme Music: "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield. What a field day for the heat.
Uniform: "We're With Stupid" T-shirts and yellow hard hats.
Extras: Convince the Burkina Faso delegation that the country made a last-minute switch back to its previous name: Upper Volta.
Greece
Flag Bearer: Balki from "Perfect Strangers." Irritating what's-her-face from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" has already had more than enough air time.
Outfits: Nude, just like their ancient Olympic predecessors. The following exemptions apply: All of the male athletes, any and all female wrestlers.
Theme Music: A once-in-a-lifetime tag team of Yanni and Zamphir, assuming the "master of the pan flute" is still alive.
Extras: Besides leading the Greek delegation, have Balki light the Olympic torch, then tell the world, "Tonight, we are all from Minos."