New Coke."Gigli." Now this: According to reports, reality TV bimbette and pop star wannabe Heidi Montag's debut album has sold just 658 copies via download during its first week of release, which in turn begs a vexing question.
Namely, nearly 700 people paid actual money for a Heidi Montag album?
How could this happen? Digging into the official SoundScan numbers -- read: we made it up -- Page 2 has identified exactly who purchased Montag's debut, and forwarded the following watch list to the appropriate authorities:
Excited Montag relatives: 5
Reluctant, yet guilty Montag relatives: 40
House cats walking across keyboards attached to computers with iTunes mistakenly left open: 92
People who thought they were downloading Audrina's nude pics: 140
People who thought they were downloading Paris Hilton's album: 10
Inebriated college students feeling "ironic": 79
Plastic surgeons seeking to refine personalized marketing pitch: 254Unmedicated obsessive-compulsive music collecting disorder patients: 24
Evidence collectors, International Criminal Court: 3
The earbud-wearing guy on the treadmill at your gym who's always singing "Jenny from the Block" out loud: 1
Britney Spears, to feel better about herself: 1
Kevin Federline, to feel better about himself: 1
Ron Artest, just because: 1
Angels with trumpets, sounding one by one: 7
Spencer Pratt: 0 (BitTorrented for free, brah!)
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Gregg Easterbrook
TMQ unleashes America's original all-haiku NFL predictions. (09/7/10)
Laura Lane
Andy Roddick loves using Twitter
to get his message out. (09/5/10)
Kurt Snibbe
Troy Polamalu has his hair insured for $1 million. Who else needs coverage? (09/3/10)
Vincent Thomas
There's nothing wrong with Manny Ramirez flying his barber to Boston. (09/3/10)
Patrick Hruby
Page 2 selects the second class of the Preseason Hall of Fame. (09/2/10)
Paul Lukas
Uni Watch delivers news about new Nike college foootball gear. (09/1/10)
... WHERE WE HEARTILY SALUTE YOUR INITIATIVE FOR SCROLLING THIS FAR DOWN THE PAGE
