This is how it begins.
I am, as the bearded man in the cowboy hat inquires with his screaming, indeed ready for some football. I have taken all the relevant numbers and run them through my Hecto-tron DA-42, and it has supplied me with the winners and final scores of this week's games. I must admit to being a bit concerned about these picks, being Week 1 and all. As Captain Jean-Luc Picard might have said in the "Time's Arrow" episode of "Star Trek," "I wish I had more data." But I am sure as the season moves along and the sample size of prior performances increases, the Hecto-tron DA-42 will, like the graph of tan(X), approach perfection asymptotically.
So, without further ado, I give you the Week 1 Hector the Projector's Who Should I Select-ors.
Thursday, September 6
New Orleans at Indianapolis (-6 1/2)
Much like a party at the Playboy Mansion, this should be an affair with a lot of scoring. Both Peyton Manning and Drew Brees will be throwing the ball till their hearts are content. The team that has the ball last will probably end up winning. We'll predict a close one.
Colts, 35-34.
Spread pick: Saints
Sunday, September 9
Denver at Buffalo (+3 1/2)
The Broncos, like the Borg, can assimilate any running back into their offensive scheme. Travis Henry and Selvin Young are this year's horses, and they should start the year off strong. J.P. Losman still has some work to do to prove he's ready to take the next step. He'll begin to take that stride but fall just short of success.
Broncos, 20-17.
Spread pick: Bills
Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+3 1/2)
Perhaps if Charlie Frye were to be cryonically frozen for a thousand years, he'd awake to find himself the greatest quarterback of his new time. That time is not now. The Steelers may have a new coach, but that doesn't mean they've lost that old Cowher swagger. If anything, Ben Roethlisberger will open it up even more, allowing Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes to have outstanding numbers.
Steelers, 21-7.
Spread pick: Steelers
Carolina at St. Louis (-1 1/2)
There's no place like Dome for Marc "Scarecrow" Bulger and company. Steven Jackson should shine like a rainbow. Carolina may run the ball well with DeBoys, but look for Jake Delhomme to make a costly mistake late to pull a defeat from the jaws of victory.
Rams, 29-24.
Spread pick: Rams
Atlanta at Minnesota (-2 1/2)
Call me a Phil Collins-hater if you will, but I don't see a lot "In the Air Tonight" with these two teams. With the tandems of Chester Taylor and Adrian Peterson squaring off with Warrick Dunn and Jerious Norwood, this game could well be over before the scoreboard staff realizes they haven't spun that Baha Men record.
Vikings, 10-9.
Spread pick: Falcons
New England at N.Y. Jets (+5 1/2)
I'm not too confident in Chad Pennington's decision-making prowess of late. On the other hand, I'm very confident in Tom Brady, with his reloaded passing matrix that includes Randy Moss, Donte' Stallworth and Wes Welker. Add to that Laurence Maroney defying gravity like Neo. You don't need the Oracle for this one.
Patriots, 27-18.
Spread pick: Patriots
Miami at Washington (-3 1/2)
Is Trent "Soylent" Green the answer? Maybe. If not, he'll be next week's mystery meat, and they'll be calling for a taste of (Cleo) Lemon. The Dolphins should be able to do enough to hang around in this one, but in the end I think Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts will take turns wearing down the Miami defense enough to pull out a win at home.
Redskins, 23-21.
Spread pick: Dolphins
Tennessee at Jacksonville (-5 1/2)
An arsenal. That's what Vince Young is sorely lacking. He may put up some decent stats, but scores? Not many against a tough Jaguars defense. Del Rio's charges should play well enough under David Garrard to control this game from the get-go. An Arsenio. That's what late-night television needs.
Jaguars, 21-3.
Spread pick: Jaguars
Kansas City at Houston (-1 1/2)
There's an old Klingon proverb that goes, "Half an LJ is better than a full Ahman Green." This adage will be put to the test as a rusty Larry Johnson gets limited reps against the Texans. He still should run amok. Matt Schaub will be fine at quarterback for Houston, but it is still his first time as "The Man" and I think the nerves will show.
Chiefs, 28-23.
Spread pick: Chiefs
Philadelphia at Green Bay (+2 1/2)
Donovan McNabb is back and healthy, at least in this space-time continuum. Green Bay is looking to incorporate young Brandon Jackson into the RB mix, while Brett Favre hopes to build a time machine and go back to his glory days. My spidey sense tells me an ill-advised pass late gets picked for six, ending a Packer rally.
Eagles, 30-24.
Spread pick: Eagles
Detroit at Oakland (-2 1/2)
Both teams will be better than last season. But then again, that's like saying "A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2" was better than "Halloween III." It's all relative. I see both offenses struggling to get going, with the Lions, possibly Jon Kitna to Roy Williams, breaking one late to tip the scales.
Lions, 14-10.
Spread pick: Lions
Chicago at San Diego (-5 1/2)
OK, girls. Repeat after me. LaDainian to the left! LaDainian to the right! Handoff, screen pass, score all night!!! Good job. Now get a good night's sleep and try not to dream about that scary Urlacher monster.
Chargers, 31-24.
Spread pick: Chargers
Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6 1/2)
Carnell Williams may be the lone bright spot in this game for Tampa Bay. The defense? More of a junker than a Cadillac. Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander are both back in action and ready to make up for their lost season. The carnage starts now.
Seahawks, 24-13.
Spread pick: Seahawks
N.Y. Giants at Dallas (-3 1/2)
Tiki Barber is gone, and Brandon Jacobs is no Tiki Barber ... but that doesn't mean he has no ability to run the ball. Unfortunately for the Giants, their secondary is a primary concern. Expect a lot of Romo to TO, tons of Romo to Witten and a smidge of Romo to Glenn. For New York, that's a recipe for a tough loss.
Cowboys, 31-24.
Spread pick: Cowboys
Monday, September 10
Baltimore at Cincinnati (-3 1/2)
It's just like when KITT faced off against KARR. Carson Palmer and his supercharged offense versus the Ravens and their immovable defense. They'll each have their moments, but the difference in this game won't lie in that battle. It will be the Bengals' inability to stop Willis McGahee. Steve McNair will do just enough to top Ocho Cinco and the boys, by somewhere between ocho and cinco points.
Ravens, 27-21.
Spread pick: Ravens
Arizona at San Francisco (-3 1/2)
Up and down the field they go, bookending the opening week's slate with another scoring slugfest. Frank Gore will have a huge day, but in the end the Cards simply have the better receivers -- Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin. That gives them the Edge -- that's right, they already have him.
Cardinals, 30-28.
Spread pick: Cardinals
Eliminator
For those of you taking part in our ESPN Eliminator Challenge, or any survivor pool for that matter, the Hecto-tron DA-42 is here to help you make your way through the minefield. Each week you must select one team that you think will win its game. No point spreads are involved. Select right and you advance to pick again next week. Lose and you are done. Last man or woman standing wins. The catch is that you may not pick the same team more than once. As you advance, especially through the bye weeks, the number of teams you have to choose from diminishes rather quickly. (Some pools even make you pick more than one team for the first few weeks to add to the degree of difficulty.)
We've looked at the options and will give you the Gold, Silver and Bronze tiers of teams to select. In the end, we can only suggest. The ultimate choice is yours. Choose wisely, my children.
Gold Picks: Jacksonville, Pittsburgh
Silver Picks: Seattle, New England
Bronze Picks: Dallas, San Diego
That's all for this week. We'll be back next week to see how we did, and to astonish and amaze you and your friends with Week 2's wit and wisdom and other words with a "W," as well.